"vacation job" and kids

Lately, I often think to myself, "I can't believe they pay me for this!" For the most part, I really am enjoying my job. I was on call at the Pasqua Hospital last night, and had a great night. I worked with a great group of nurses, and the surgeons we worked with were also great. I have enojoyed being at a different hospital for a little while, just to see the differences. There aren't many. It is still good.
I realize just how lucky I am. I know there are lots of people who hate their jobs, or don't even have one. I am, however, a firm believer that a job is merely a means to an end. Sure, I enjoy my work, but I am not in love with it. Would I prefer to be on vacation, or even hanging out in my pyjamas in my house for the day? Of course. Most people are that way. But, I go to work so that I can go to Thailand (6 sleeps, by the way), or other such places. I am very fortunate that not only is my job a means to an end, but I also get some sort of fulfillment from it. I realize how rare that is. The problem with most people my age group is that someone told all of us that you should love your job, that going to work should be like a vacation, and that is just not reality. Again, I am just lucky.
Now, if the market would just get better, maybe I could convince my husband that we should start a family. I think I have reached that decision. He hasn't. He keeps using the market as an excuse. We can't afford kids because of the market. Ridiculous! But, I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. There is something that is underlying this fear, and I don't know just what it is yet, but now is not the time to rush things. So, we will wait. We will go to Thailand, enjoy our vacation, and come back renewed and ready to face what the world throws at us. Hopefully, by then the market will be a bit better, and I will finally be able to convince him, that he too wants kids. I guess we will just have to wait and see...

insurance and dying

I thought I was dying. Not a very pleasant thought. See, I had applied for disability insurance and had a physical exam. This was over two months ago, so I finally called the place through which I was applying. They had a look at my file and said, "Oh, you're not approved, didn't you get the letter?". No, I didn't get any letter. Why would I be phoning if I did? Apparently they sent it to the wrong address. So, she sends me the letter.

Meanwhile, I am freaking out. I MUST be dying. Why else would a healthy person like me be denied insurance? I just ran a half marathon not two weeks ago! What could it be? Well, I thought it must be something that I don't know about, something in the blood they took. Didn't they have to tell me if they find something? But then, the letter went to the wrong place, so maybe they tried to. Anesthesiologists are high risk, afterall for lots of blood-borne infections, the scariest of which is HIV and HCV. Sure, my last needle poke all my blood work, and the patient's was negative, and it was over a year ago, but you never know.

I started thinking that these are DEADLY viruses with no cure. I was worried. Worried I was going to die and that I wasn't ready yet. I want to have kids (thinking I was going to die, solidified that one). I want to see the world. I want to enjoy life a little more. Besides, I just moved to the same city as my hubby. I am just starting to enjoy life again! This couldn't be the end! I was sobbing, thinking all of these things. Thank God for good friends who can talk some sense into you!

Well, I am not dying. The minute I found out I jumped into bed with my hubby and kissed him! It turns out that I wasn't approved because of my Celiac's disease. As much as that really sucks, I was relieved. I know it isn't a big deal regardless of what some stupid insurance company says. I asked them about the blood work, and they said that there was nothing abnormal, and if there was they would have sent it to my doctor's office. I have been told that I just need to go to a different insurance company. One of them will insure me. There are people who are a lot sicker than I am who still get insurance.

It is surprising what it takes to shake your tree. Some things make you think about what is important, what you want out of life. A little sad that it took a real scare to make me think.

Canadian Debates

I am watching the Canadian debate right now. The first question was issued by a Calgary man regarding the economy. The first person to answer was actually the Green Party Leader. She answered the question directly, and was very well spoken. I was surprised. Then the Liberal leader. Ok, so he can't speak English (disappointing), and didn't answer the question at all. Then, the Conservative leader, our current Prime Minister. Again, terrible. All he did was comment on what Mr. Dion had just said. Again, not answering the question. And the Bloc leader? Why the heck is he even allowed to be in the debate? He wants a separate country, not Canada! So, how could he possibly LEAD the country?!
So far, I want to vote for the Green Party! How is that even possible? Sure, I care about the environment, but let's be honest, I don't even recycle very much. But, she is the most well spoken of all the party leaders.
Poor Steven Harper. This whole debate is just going to be everyone attacking him. It is hard to be the encumbent.
Yes, I could be watching the American debate. But the question I pose is, Why? Sure, it might be entertaining to watch Palin make a fool of herself. But in the end, I live in Canada. We should care about what happens HERE. The US does impact us, but this impacts us more.
Who will I vote for? I am not sure yet. Green? Conservative? Liberal? NDP? We'll see......

birthdays and bruised arms

My week this week definately made up for last week. My birthday was on Monday. I had a ton of well wishes from people, two different bouquets of gorgeous flowers, and dinner with friends. Then, after another fantastic dinner, my hubby and our two friends went to the Elton John concert! What a great concert! Despite being a short, funny, little man, with sausage fingers, he is a great performer. He played for almost 3 hours, signed autographs for 15 minutes and definately played to the crowd.
My calls this week were also pleasant. Sunday night on call for Obs, although tiring, was pleasant. Then, last night I worked with a great group of nurses who kept me laughing all night long. Most days I can't believe they pay me to do what I do (and as much!)! I enjoy most of the people I work with, love the patients, and love the challenge that every day and every case gives me. I was invigorated reading journals at work last night. I am awed by the people who do research to constantly improve our field. Progress is great, and fascinating.
I feel like I make a difference - to my patients mostly, but also the world, with my work. A little at a time, I make a difference.
Finally, today we went to the Travel Clinic. There is probably no better way to make your trip seem close then to get all the vaccinations you need. Man! MY ARMS HURT! I am sure it is all worth it, though. The minute I get over the feeling that I ran a marathon with only my deltoids, I am sure I will feel fantastic!
Speaking of marathon, I don't know if I blogged about it, but in short it was (yeah, you guessed it), great. I was comfortable throughout, had a decent time, sprinted to the end, and finished with a smile on my face! What an accomplishment! I don't think I will do a full marathon, but I definately liked the half. Maybe that will be a reason to go to a destination!
Anyhoo, things are good and back to "normal". Now, I just need to find a new hobby....

More Frustration

After having been working for a month, I have now experienced a bad week. It started with a very long day on Tuesday (see previous blog). Yesturday was fine - I did Ortho, I had a JURSI who was keen, and the day seemed to fly by. Today, not so much.
I worked with people today whose personalities clashed with my own. The unfortunate thing is that I knew from the time I looked at the slate that at least part of the day would be like that. I was geared up for a bad day to begin with. How can you fight with that? It might have been bad because I expected them to be bad. But it continued to get worse. When that half was over and I expected it to be better, it didn't. More personality issues. More problems. More Frustration.
One other problem is that even thought I know I am right, I don't always have the confidence to say something. Is it wrong to seek a second opinion? Is it wrong to get help? Just because I am "on my own" doesn't mean I should be left out to dry, does it? That is why most people open clinics with other people. Sure, they can share costs, but it is nice to get help and bounce ideas off of someone as well.
I try and be nicey-nice and that just doesn't seem to get you anywhere. It seems like all people respond to these days is bitchyness. They see me as some silly little girl, until I step up and don't back down. Well, that is really too bad. It was nice to know, however, that both the nurses I was working with, as well as other colleagues I spoke with, agreed with me in the situation. That definately made me feel better. It makes me think that I should have confidence, that I do know what I am taking about. And, if they don't like it, that is just too bad!
I guess everyone has bad days and bad weeks. Not everything goes smoothly all the time. I just wish it did.

hard day

I had a hard day today. It was really long. It seemed like nothing could possibly go right. A comedy of errors. So, after being there for 11 hours working, I came home and did what I usually do when I feel this crappy - Cry. As I sat on the couch crying and telling my hubby how bad a day it was, he consoled me. He told me that he (and everyone) had had days like that. That things don't always run perfect. As he told me that, and I listened to what I was actually upset about, it started not to sound too bad. Afterall, my patients woke up comfortable and completely stable, and isn't that what is important? I am hard on myself, but that is because I want to do well. I want to perform and prove to everyone that I have those letters behind my name for a reason! So, it sucks when things aren't smooth. Someday, I hope to look back on this and have learned from it.

crazy person?

I think I am a crazy person. Ok, not in the strictest sense of the word, but a little mental at least. Why? You ask. Why would someone who seemingly is loving her life and so happy be a bit mental? Well, that is just it. I feel a bit lost. I have been working for so long (my whole life, in fact) towards something, that now that I do not have a goal or ambition, I feel lost. I thought about taking a class, but university classes have already started. Not to mention that we will be away for 3 weeks straight. Then, I thought of taking a dance class, or a pottery class, but same problem. For it to be worth it, I should be here for the whole thing.
So, what can I do? Well, I did plan a three week trip to an exotic country. That did eat up a lot of time and energy, but it is complete now, just waiting for us to take off. Other options? I suppose I could throw myself into work, but I am not too sure how to do that. I don't do research (nor do I want to), I don't have a special position in the department (nor do I want one), and there is only so much reading one can do (especially after just studying the hardest I ever have for over a year straight).
A couple more ideas: I could start studying for the TEE course that we are attending in Feb (probably a good idea). I could read a lot of journals (and actually read them instead of just the abstracts). I could find a couple of aerobic classes (drop-ins). During the day I am busy at work, it is just at night.
I think all of those are good ideas. Then in Jan. if I still want to take a language or pottery class, I still can. That little engine that ran so hard for so long last year just doesn't want to stop.
I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could......