vaccine and humor

I got the H1N1 vaccine today. With all the hype and worry, not to mention potential danger to myself and my patients, I thought it would be a good idea if I was vaccinated. As I got it first thing at work, before my day started, they allowed me to "budge" in front and get the shot. All the nurses in the OR were in the line behind me watching as I got it.

It is so funny how we use humor to cope with stressful situations. We were all laughing, saying how we needed someone to hold our hand because we might cry, joking that we would take all the chocolates so there would be none for anyone else. Then, as soon as it was done someone said, "oh, she looks pale!", followed immediately by, "She's always pale!" and more laughter.

I find this is always the way in medicine. With anything stressful or scary we often use humor to cope. Most the time it is black humor. And sometimes it is so dark that it might even be offensive to people not in the medical profession or in that situation. Sometimes with a group of people in the medical field we can get to talking about "funny situations" that no one else gets but us. We are geeks, if nothing else.

Anyway, as much as we used humor to get through "the little prick", now my arm is hurting, and my head has felt foggy all day. I would like to blame the shot on the fogginess (if that is a word), but who really knows? Maybe it is the cold I had last week. Maybe it is just being tired. In the end, hopefully it will all be worth it and I will have protected myself and my patients.

bad dream

I had a horrible dream last night. It was so weird, and so sad. I dreamt that for some reason I had to euthanize my two cats.
Now, you have to understand just how important these cats are to me. They are my family, my friends, my babies.
In this dream I knew this had to be done, but I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help it either. I was the one to euthanize them. I watched them die. It was awful.
I woke up not just sad, but absolutely sobbing. I was horrified with what we had done, riddled with guilt, and totally devastated by the outcome.
Why would I dream something so awful? What could my subconscious possibly be trying to tell me? I need to be better to my kitties? I don't think so. There are very few cats who are as spoiled and well taken care of as them!
My husband thinks I am too attached to them. Well, I don't have other little things (like kids) to love, so why not?
In the end, it was a stupid dream that most likely means absolutely nothing. It is too bad that it had to affect me so much.

Real Stress?

I am stressed. But, not about "real" things. When I was a resident, I worried all the time about how I was doing. Was I learning enough? Did people think I was smart? Was I going to be good at my job? Can I really do this? What if I don't know enough? What if someone dies because of me? Etc..... Then, there was always the stress of the exam. Would I be able to pass it? Again, what if I don't know enough? What would people think if I didn't pass? Oh, the humiliation!
The time came for my evaluations, and the exam. I passed. I did know enough. I was not humiliated. Then, I worried about starting work: Would I know enough? Can I really do this? What if someone dies because of me? I started work. I do know enough (although there is always more to learn), and I can really do this.
So, now what am I stressed about? Well, in chronilogical order: Apparently I am not such a cook. This week I have tried to go outside my comfort zone and make some new items. Unfortunately, they didn't really work the way I wanted them too. What will I make for supper tommorrow? Why does nothing ever work out? How can I get my hubby to take a turn at cooking?
Kids. Should we have them? Do I want them? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I can make the commitment. I see my friend's little 6 month old and marvel at how cute he is! Look at his clothes, his smile, his chubby face. But I worry. Would I be a good parent? Would I even like kids? What about the couple time? What about my life? Would kids fit into my life? Can I even have them? Maybe I waited too long. And if I do want them, how do I get my husband to be convinced that this is what he wants to?
Then, My girlfriend is getting married and I am giving a speech. I have put it off, but I can no longer. Time is running out, and I still haven't completed it. Sure, I have some ideas, but it isn't solid. So, I think: What if it isn't good enough? What if people laugh? Or don't? What if my friend hates it?
Finally, I am planning a miniconference for the anesthesiologists of Saskatchewan. It is only one day, and yet I feel like I have hours and hours and hours of work to do for it. I feel, again, like time is running out. What if I don't get enough money? What do I do about the residents? What if the day sucks? What if the food sucks? What if the entertainment sucks? How do I get the day accredited? What if I can't get it accredited?
So, are these really things to be stressed about? Or, am I one of those people who always has to have something to be worried/stressed about? Sure, maybe the last one is stressful, but the first? And the middle ones, I am not so sure.
Now, I am just stressed about worrying. Geesh.

closing up

This weekend was all about closing up the lake. This time of year always makes me sad. We make so many memories, and have so much fun at the lake. Then, when it finally turns cold we have to bring everything in and lock up for the season. Another chapter in the book of life, over.

We worked hard the last two days. Luckily, we decided to do all the "in the water" stuff yesturday when it was still nice out. We took in the Seadoo, took in the boat, and brought the dock in. By the time we got home, the weather had already started to turn. First the wind almost blowing the cover right off the boat as we attempted to tie it down, then the rain and cold. Today was really cold. 10 degrees and windy. Jurgen's Dad came out to help us, so we were able to get everything else done. The cabin is completely closed up for the season.

Autumn is my favorite time of year out at the lake. It is so pretty with all of the leaves turning colour. Usually we don't totally close up until October sometime, but we have other things we need to do, so we decided to close up early.

Someday maybe we will build a new cabin. One that is insulated so we could use it a bit longer. If we had a fireplace in the house we could light it and maybe go cross country skiing, or get a snowmobile and go sledding, or just come out where it is quiet. It would be less work to close things up then, and maybe then it wouldn't feel quite so sad. It wouldn't really be closed up then, just the water stuff would be away. Well, one can dream anyway.

I guess you always have to have something to look forward to. I always look forward to the summer and being at the lake. So, here is to next year. I am looking forward to it already!

First day memories

I have been working here in Regina as an anesthesiologist for over a year now. I think about my first day with fondness today, as a colleague has his first day here. In fact, he was a resident here in Regina and came into my room to work that day. I thought it was an "ambitious day" and didn't expect to be finished on time. I was right, we weren't, but it was still a good day. I learned so much about myself that day. About my abilities to teach, work effiiciently, and the best part, that I could truly do my job well without help (residents don't count, and he was only there for part of the day).
Now, it is his turn to experience that. The unknown is always scary, but I am certain this guy will do amazing. He is SMART! I have been trying to give him hints along the way that would make his transition easier, so I hope they help.
I always feel a sense of pride when my friends from medical school, and residency begin to work, especially in the same place as me! So long ago we were all bright-eyed, scared students sitting in the classroom as the professor told us all how OLD we would be when we finally finished medical school! I remember wondering what my life would be like when that moment finally came, and not quite being able to picture it. Man, was I scared. And then, 9 years later when I had my first day as a staff I was scared again. Excited, but scared. More worried, I guess than scared. Worried that I wouldn't know what to do. Luckily, my training and knowledge kicked in right away, and I really didn't need to worry.
So, here is to the new member of our department! Cheers! I hope you love your job as much as I do!

difficut to read

I really hate it when I can't read people properly. Was that an insult? Or, were they just joking? When I first met my now hubby, I hated him. Mostly, it was just that - I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. I mean, he doesn't even know me, so how can he be insulting me and making fun of me? Then I realized that that is a lot of what he does. Now I get it. Now I love him. I have been with him for 13 years, I should get it, but this isn't about him.

I worked with someone yesturday who I just met. I don't know him from a hole in the ground. For all I know, he could be a really amazing, funny, nice guy, but he could just as easily be an asshole. And, I couldn't read him. Apparently, I am not the only one. When I asked around, people would either tell me that they didn't like him, or that they couldn't read him. Not really a glowing recommendation. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am not sure.

I am still new and so don't really feel I can tell people (surgeons) where to go if they piss me off. Also, that is just not my style. I am much more likely to grimace, and vent about it later (my poor hubby usually bears this burden). And so, when he started telling me what to do, I just put my head down and did it. I don't like conflict, and frankly, I didn't really care.

However, at the end of the day, after a 6 hour case (ugh!) he says to me, " You are lucky you have a job.". WTF! What does that mean? Was that a joke? Was he referring, maybe to the economic downturn and that we are all lucky to have a job? Was he referring to the fact that he lost his job and now had to come to poor old Regina to do some remdial time, and I was lucky I didn't have to do that? Or was he just being an asshole (especially because it wasn't a bad case).

At first I wasn't sure what I had heard. Then, I was too shocked to say anything, or even ask him what he meant. Again, I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but...... In the end, I was mad, and still am. Most of the surgeons here like me. They know that when I am there, I like to work. I work hard. And I really try to do what is best for the team (including the surgeon and most importatnly, the patient).

I guess it doesn't really matter, as this guy isn't going to be here long. However, next time you can bet, I won't just vent afterwards.

evil weather

It seems like the weather is conspiring against me. Everytime I am working it is really nice. Take yesturday, for example. So lovely. So hot. And yet, I could not go to the lake because I was on call. Now that I am off for today it is cold and cloudy. And not just a little cold (say like 19 degrees), but downright chilly.
I am sure this will not help my hubbys state of mind. At the beginning of the summer when he was still really worried about having a mortgage and all that, he was talking of maybe selling the lake property. He kept saying that we are never there and that if we sold it we would not have a mortgage anymore. So this yucky weather sure does not help that.
It seems like the only time there was really nice hot weather at the lake was while we were away in BC, and not there to use it. Typical.
Well, what can one do besides wish that summer will last well into October and that we are still in for some really HOT weather. Yeah right.