Hard to be a Patient

Yesterday I was on the other side of things. The other side of the curtain, so to speak. Yesterday, I was a patient. It was so hard to be a patient, so hard to relinquish control. And I believe it is all because I know too much. I know what can happen, and what doesn't. I know what can go wrong, and what I think is right. Just too much knowledge.

No, what I had done was not earth shattering, or even scary for most people. All I had done was a gastroscopy (a stomach scope). I have had one before. In fact, that was how they diagnosed my celiac disease in the first place. That is how it is always done - they scope you and biopsy your duodenum. Last time I was freaked out too. I was still a resident, but I asked on of the staff guys who I thought of as more of a friend to come by and give me some sedation. He didn't end up doing anything, but the internist felt more comfortable to give me sedation, enough sedation! It was still fairly traumatic, although I don't remember anything of the procedure that time, but I didn't want to go for a follow up scope.

So, we come to yesterday , which is 5 years later, and the only reason I am doing this is so I can get disability insurance. Otherwise, I still wouldn't have gone. I feel better, my numbers are better, so why would I get a scope? Sigh, I guess I should have just done it earlier.

It was so hard to be a "good patient". You know, compliant, trusting, not crazy. I failed. I was really keyed up, and kept telling the nurses how much of what drugs to give me. I gagged and coughed and was, unfortunately, not the model patient. I probably apologized to the surgeon 100 times, and thanked her just as many, so at least that was good.

Then, we rushed out as soon as they would let us go (after turning off my own IV, and refusing to eat anything). We stopped off and got a monster amount of take-out, as I had starved ALL DAY for this, and felt like I deserved good food. Yum, grease!

On the drive home, the Gods go me back. Traffic was terrible, as it was now rush hour, and my hubby had to stop and start a lot. So, I got nauseous. I sat up, opened the window, and just tried to breathe. "Slow breaths, in and out", I told myself. That is what I tell my patients, right? I thought I was getting better, and then the blackness started to come. I told my husband I thought I was going to pass out. He looked at me, and after seeing how pale I was (including my lips), he thought he would check my pulse.

"Holy crap, your having a Vagal!" What he meant was that my pulse was plummeting along with my blood pressure (it was close to 30 at the worst), and the lower it got the blacker my vision got. Layer by layer, it got darker, and darker, and I felt like I was hotter, and falling further and further down a deep dark hole.

I have never seen my hubby drive so fast. We were finally on the highway and we have a little kit at home for emergencies when we are driving with pretty much everything we would need (IVs, ephedrine, atropine...). So, he knew that if he could just get me home, he could treat me and make me feel better (not to mention fix my deteriorating blood pressure).

We live 10km out of town, so by the time we pulled into the driveway, I had climbed my way our of the dark hole and lay there reminding myself to breathe. Unfortunately, the greasy food I had thought was going to be so good, just did not sit well. Pain and nausea are not a good combo with take-out.

SIGH. THIS is why I didn't want to do it earlier! Doctors really are the worst patients. Not only because we know too much and try and control everything (its in our nature, we can't help it), but we get all the complications too. Luckily, I shouldn't have to have this done again once my disability finally goes through. Stupid insurance agencies!

just living life

I haven't blogged in a long time. Sad, but true.
A lot of times I feel like unless something INCREDIBLE is happening in my life, there is just no point in blogging. And, incredible, unfortunately, doesn't always mean good. Lately, I have just been living, and that doesn't seem blog-worthy, but sometimes, that is what people want to read. They want to know (especially if they live far away) just what your day to day life is like. So, here goes.
Over the summer, I have been trying to train for a marathon. I am running the GoodLife run in TO in October. It should be fun. Really, though, it was just an excuse to go to TO and see my friend, Jennie. I haven't trained enough, but I have decided that I really just have to get out there and JUST DO IT (as the commercial goes). If I don't, it will hurt, and that will suck.
My other procrastination project is my Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam (TEE Exam). I just don't feel like writing this stupid thing. I mean, I llike working in the heart room and doing big cases, and I really feel like by doing cardiac anesthesia it makes me a better anesthesiologist (I can handle anything then), but I am just sort of examed out. However, I have paid a huge amount of $$ and will be humiliated if I fail, so again I just have to DO IT!
So, what have I been doing instead of these? Well, working (but not that hard), and enjoying life. We have been at the lake any time it isn't raining (which it has rained a LOT this summer), and enjoyed some time away. We went to BC for a weekend, had a few weddings, watched some of our yard be completed (this deserves its own blog, as it is so frustrating), and I just got back from a girl's Vegas trip (photos and blog to follow).
I suppose I could have blogged about any one of these things, but they just don't seem earth shattering enough. I really like my life, but maybe others who read this will think it is boring, I don't know.
There are a few things I would like to be doing: Jazz class on Sundays, University chorus on Mondays, Pilates on Tuesdays, Learn to swim class on Wednesdays, ball class on Thursdays, and Spanish class on Saturdays, but somehow I think that is too much. If I ever win the lottery (although I rarely buy a ticket and hardly ever check them), I will just take classes all the time, and travel. As it is, I am having trouble organizing running, studying, and pilates.
Anyhoo, enough with the procrastination (man! I am SO good at that), and off to study. At least I will work on one of the things on my list.

Exam woes

I am supposed to be studying for an exam right now, and I just can't do it. After 5 long years of studying and worrying for one huge exam, I just can't get motivated. I am scheduled to write the Perioperative Transesophageal Echo Exam (PTe Exam) the beginning of November. Essentially, our department has decreed that in order to do Cardiac Anesthesia you have to have passed this exam. In addition, since the same surgeons do Thoracic as do Cardiac, this means you need to have this silly exam to do that too. That sucks. I really enjoy working with the Cardiothoracic team, but I am not keen on this exam. Now, if it was an exam like any other where I just learn the info and regurgitate it, that would be fine, but this is a SKILL. I might be able to fake my way through the MCQs, but the other stuff, maybe not. I think I am just wimping out. I mean, a straight forward CABG or Thoractomy is just that, straight forward. It is also fun. I just don't like the stressful stuff, life valves. It is not the hemodynamics that stress me, it is the TEE. I really feel like I just didn't get enough training in residency.
Well, medicine is supposed to be about lifelong learning. I can teach myself stuff (I taught myself highschool physics, afterall), so maybe with the books and videos I have I can learn it. I guess I just have to suck it up, and buckle down.
I just have so many bad memories of studying for hours on end. It feels like the first exam.

Patio love

I haven't posted in awhile. It seems my life has been filled with landscaping, work, and the lake. Two of which I am very happy with.
We got back from Greece and got back into the swing of things right away. Work needed bodies, and we needed money, so it was a good fit. And then, there was the landscapers. They weren't able to do anything on our yard, and were a month behind due to all the rain SK had while we were away. That just meant that we were able to watch all of the work they did.
Every day when I would come home, I would think to myself, "what have they done today?". I would walk around and see only small changes: first the weeds were gone, then the land was level, then the first layer for the patio, and the second, and so on. Now, they have the patio and retaining walls finished, and most of the brick planters finished, and there is even top soil on part of our "lawn"!! It is so exciting! My hubby and I have taken advantage of the new patio a couple of nights in a row now. We sit out there with our tiny bistro set which is dwarfed by trhe enormous patio, sipping wine, watching the kitties play in the dirt. Seven even thought it was her litterbox at one point (ew!). We are loving the patio! Soon, very soon, we will have grass and trees, and flowers, and a hot tub to go along with our beautiful new patio!
Man, I have to say I am so happy I can afford to have someone else do this for me. Not only do I not have the time or desire, but I don't have the know-how, or the patience. And these guys are really taking the time and effort to make it look GOOD! Best $$$$$$ ever spent!!

see my Facebook profile for updated pics!!

Great Happy Canada!

We are back at work after a fantastic weekend. We have been out of the country and so haven't been able to use our cabin. This weekend, though, we spent most of our time there. The weather cooperated and we managed to take the boat out quite a bit. Tubing, skiing,and swimming was had by all. Even my mom tried skiing after she got over her initial fear of the water and realized how warm the water was! So brave of her!! My grandma turned 93 on the weekend as well. We had ice cream cake, and fireworks to celebrate. And although she didn't ski, she had a great time on the boat watching us tube! All in all a really fantastic weekend! Life is good.

home is where the heart is

On the flight home I watched a movie called "One Week". It is about this guy who decides to drive from Toronto to the Pacific Ocean after his diagnosis with cancer. The videography in the movie is amazing!
As I watched the scenes go by about one province to another, I got really homesick. I thought to myself, Gee our home really is beautiful! I kept thinking about all the scenes they showed and the road he was driving, and thinking that I had been on the same roads many times.
Then, today we couldn't sleep and so we were up really early. I went for a morning run. It was SO lovely! The sun was shining, the shy was blue, everything here is SO green (on account of all the rain, what a good month to be away, by the way), and it all smelled so fresh. It was a great run, and I missed it so much. I missed the sky - it seemed like there was always smog or a haze in the sky and it was never really blue. I missed the weather - not too hot or too humid. I missed the space - I ran for 10 minutes and didn't see a soul.
Travel is wonderful. Seeing new places magical. Experiencing new things amazing. But one really appreciates one's home even more after they have been away for awhile. Home is, afterall, where the heart is.

We took a sunset cruise to the volcanoe and hot springs. Walking around the volcanoe was like being on the moon! From the top you can see a panoramic view of Santorini.

The next day we went to Ancient Thira. It is on the top of a mountain. It is huge! An entire city of ruins complete with sewage system and theatre! Truly amazing! It was, however, very hot at the top and there were many steps to climb to get up. We keep thinking that if we never see another set of steps it will be too soon! Everything here is built on the hillside with many steps.

This is the windy hairpin turn road we had to take to get up to the top. So scary. At points there was just a sheer cliff with nothing to restrain you, and barely enough room for 2 cars to go by. Good thing the cars in Europe are all small, no way you could get Jurgen's FJ by!

Sorry about the sideways pic.

I have just about had enough of greek food. On the way to the beach we found Senor Zorba's - a Mexican restaurant in the middle of a greek island! So good to have some nachos!

Perissa beach is very busy. There are many bars, waterskiing, and a ton of people. The "sand" is not really sand but many hot black rocks. We walked on it and swam with our shoes. Still nice to cool off in the water, though, as it is 35 degrees with 95% humidity!