Thanksgiving

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have. So, as it is thanksgiving weekend, I thought I would blog out a list.

1. The weather. OMG, it has been so beautiful here lately!

2. My beautiful yard. After many months of thinking it would never get done, both the back and front yards are finally finished (allowing us to indulge in the beautiful weather)!

3. Our hot tub in the back yard. So lovely (see one of my previous posts).

4. A great job. When I was in the thick of things always studying, doing research, and preparing rounds, I was never sure if it would be worth it in the end, but, thankfully, it is. Many times I can't even believe they pay me for what I do!

5. Travel. We have been some amazing places in the last couple of years: Thailand, Greece, Jamaica, Las Vegas, BC, Montreal, California. There are so many places in the world yet left to see. I can't wait!

6. This great country of Canada that we live in. No matter where I go, I am always happy I am Canadian.

7. My home. Again, no matter where we go, I am always glad to come home.

8. My house. Ok, this might be beating the bush a little. But a home is where your heart is, that can be anywhere, but I really do love our house. Our house in White City is so great for us, and just so perfect!

9. My cats. Seven and Stupe are really good cats. No matter how I am feeling I can always come home to some furry loving - purring and face licking!

10. My friends. I have a great group of people I am privileged to call my friends. Through all walks of life at every point in my life I have been blessed with knowing wonderful people.

11. My family. I am blessed to have such a great family. My immediates, My grands, and my in laws. All wonderful people!!

12. Health. Not just for me, but my whole family is very healthy. Thank goodness!

13. My hubby. Probably most important. He keeps me grounded, is great fun to be around, and is always a source of comfort. We balance each other well.

There are probably many more things I could come up with to be thankful for (I have such a great life!), but these are the tops for now.

What are you thankful for?

Physician advocate

My husband asked me a question that I thought was very true today. He said that there are a ton of patient advocate groups. Different places where patients can go if they feel they have been treated wrongly, and launch a complaint. But what about physicians? There doesn't seem to be any kind of organization which fills the same role for us. No one cares.

The only group that has any semblance of that is the CMPA (Canadian Medical Protection Agency), and personally I don't find them helpful. Oh yeah, they are really good when it comes to defending us in court (most often they win, and if they don't think they can, they settle), but they are not very touchy-feely. The one time that I had to contact them about a case that I thought had gone wrong (through no fault of my own, as I was a resident), all they told me was "not to talk to anyone about this". There I was a first year resident feeling afraid and alone, and terrible about the outcome, and that was all they could say? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

So why is that? Do patients really not value what we do? I don't believe that is the case. Are all physicians so bad? I don't believe that either. Or is it our system of a mostly non-litiginous based society (versus the States), where patients feel they need someone to complain to because they don't want to take it all the way to the courts? I don't know, but it doesn't sit well with me.

We work hard. We have given up the best years of our lives studying and working hard to become the best physicians we can in order to give our patients the best care. In the years where my other friends were getting married, having babies, and beginning to advance in their careers, I was stuck in a classroom for 8 hours a day, and then would study for at least another 4 more. And no, not for the average 3-5 years it takes for most people to get a degree, but for 14 years! OK, sure I am whining now. Was it worth it in the end? Sure. Am I happy doing what I am doing? Absolutely. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

But really, when someone who is SO good at their jobs gets a complaint from a patient (and farther up even) that was in NO WAY below the standard of care, that is just sad. No, this wasn't me who had the complaint launched, but I feel for that person. I feel like we really give up a lot for our patients (long years, long days, long hours, lack of sleep, lack of any kind of recognition), and we all do it willingly for THEM. So, really, where are OUR advocates?!

Backyard bliss

Last night I decided to watch the sunset (in the hot tub, of course!) from our back yard. I marvelled at the sounds of the coming night like a vampire newly "born". The crickets were singing, birds different than the day were calling, and as fall is fast approaching, there were Canada geese calling to each other getting ready for their long journey south. As the sounds of the geese came to a cresendo, a new sound broke into the night. Coyotes began their lonely howl, longing for the birds that had not yet taken flight. While listening to all of this, I watched as the sky slowly turned colour; first orange and yellow, then finally cresting in a sea of reds and purples, as blackness faded in. Such beauty. Such stillness.

Today, I experienced a different joy in my own back yard. With the fence finally in place, the cats were able to go outside to run and play. I giggled as Seven chased after a butterfly, only to have it fly away to taunt her again. And Stupe rolls in the grass, and lays there sunbathing in the warm later afternoon sun. If they could speak I am sure they would tell me they are at peace. They are happy, and they love the new yard.

So often, now, I am struck by how fortunate I am. How wonderful it is, my life, on the Other Side of the Mountain.

Hard to be a Patient

Yesterday I was on the other side of things. The other side of the curtain, so to speak. Yesterday, I was a patient. It was so hard to be a patient, so hard to relinquish control. And I believe it is all because I know too much. I know what can happen, and what doesn't. I know what can go wrong, and what I think is right. Just too much knowledge.

No, what I had done was not earth shattering, or even scary for most people. All I had done was a gastroscopy (a stomach scope). I have had one before. In fact, that was how they diagnosed my celiac disease in the first place. That is how it is always done - they scope you and biopsy your duodenum. Last time I was freaked out too. I was still a resident, but I asked on of the staff guys who I thought of as more of a friend to come by and give me some sedation. He didn't end up doing anything, but the internist felt more comfortable to give me sedation, enough sedation! It was still fairly traumatic, although I don't remember anything of the procedure that time, but I didn't want to go for a follow up scope.

So, we come to yesterday , which is 5 years later, and the only reason I am doing this is so I can get disability insurance. Otherwise, I still wouldn't have gone. I feel better, my numbers are better, so why would I get a scope? Sigh, I guess I should have just done it earlier.

It was so hard to be a "good patient". You know, compliant, trusting, not crazy. I failed. I was really keyed up, and kept telling the nurses how much of what drugs to give me. I gagged and coughed and was, unfortunately, not the model patient. I probably apologized to the surgeon 100 times, and thanked her just as many, so at least that was good.

Then, we rushed out as soon as they would let us go (after turning off my own IV, and refusing to eat anything). We stopped off and got a monster amount of take-out, as I had starved ALL DAY for this, and felt like I deserved good food. Yum, grease!

On the drive home, the Gods go me back. Traffic was terrible, as it was now rush hour, and my hubby had to stop and start a lot. So, I got nauseous. I sat up, opened the window, and just tried to breathe. "Slow breaths, in and out", I told myself. That is what I tell my patients, right? I thought I was getting better, and then the blackness started to come. I told my husband I thought I was going to pass out. He looked at me, and after seeing how pale I was (including my lips), he thought he would check my pulse.

"Holy crap, your having a Vagal!" What he meant was that my pulse was plummeting along with my blood pressure (it was close to 30 at the worst), and the lower it got the blacker my vision got. Layer by layer, it got darker, and darker, and I felt like I was hotter, and falling further and further down a deep dark hole.

I have never seen my hubby drive so fast. We were finally on the highway and we have a little kit at home for emergencies when we are driving with pretty much everything we would need (IVs, ephedrine, atropine...). So, he knew that if he could just get me home, he could treat me and make me feel better (not to mention fix my deteriorating blood pressure).

We live 10km out of town, so by the time we pulled into the driveway, I had climbed my way our of the dark hole and lay there reminding myself to breathe. Unfortunately, the greasy food I had thought was going to be so good, just did not sit well. Pain and nausea are not a good combo with take-out.

SIGH. THIS is why I didn't want to do it earlier! Doctors really are the worst patients. Not only because we know too much and try and control everything (its in our nature, we can't help it), but we get all the complications too. Luckily, I shouldn't have to have this done again once my disability finally goes through. Stupid insurance agencies!

just living life

I haven't blogged in a long time. Sad, but true.
A lot of times I feel like unless something INCREDIBLE is happening in my life, there is just no point in blogging. And, incredible, unfortunately, doesn't always mean good. Lately, I have just been living, and that doesn't seem blog-worthy, but sometimes, that is what people want to read. They want to know (especially if they live far away) just what your day to day life is like. So, here goes.
Over the summer, I have been trying to train for a marathon. I am running the GoodLife run in TO in October. It should be fun. Really, though, it was just an excuse to go to TO and see my friend, Jennie. I haven't trained enough, but I have decided that I really just have to get out there and JUST DO IT (as the commercial goes). If I don't, it will hurt, and that will suck.
My other procrastination project is my Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam (TEE Exam). I just don't feel like writing this stupid thing. I mean, I llike working in the heart room and doing big cases, and I really feel like by doing cardiac anesthesia it makes me a better anesthesiologist (I can handle anything then), but I am just sort of examed out. However, I have paid a huge amount of $$ and will be humiliated if I fail, so again I just have to DO IT!
So, what have I been doing instead of these? Well, working (but not that hard), and enjoying life. We have been at the lake any time it isn't raining (which it has rained a LOT this summer), and enjoyed some time away. We went to BC for a weekend, had a few weddings, watched some of our yard be completed (this deserves its own blog, as it is so frustrating), and I just got back from a girl's Vegas trip (photos and blog to follow).
I suppose I could have blogged about any one of these things, but they just don't seem earth shattering enough. I really like my life, but maybe others who read this will think it is boring, I don't know.
There are a few things I would like to be doing: Jazz class on Sundays, University chorus on Mondays, Pilates on Tuesdays, Learn to swim class on Wednesdays, ball class on Thursdays, and Spanish class on Saturdays, but somehow I think that is too much. If I ever win the lottery (although I rarely buy a ticket and hardly ever check them), I will just take classes all the time, and travel. As it is, I am having trouble organizing running, studying, and pilates.
Anyhoo, enough with the procrastination (man! I am SO good at that), and off to study. At least I will work on one of the things on my list.

Exam woes

I am supposed to be studying for an exam right now, and I just can't do it. After 5 long years of studying and worrying for one huge exam, I just can't get motivated. I am scheduled to write the Perioperative Transesophageal Echo Exam (PTe Exam) the beginning of November. Essentially, our department has decreed that in order to do Cardiac Anesthesia you have to have passed this exam. In addition, since the same surgeons do Thoracic as do Cardiac, this means you need to have this silly exam to do that too. That sucks. I really enjoy working with the Cardiothoracic team, but I am not keen on this exam. Now, if it was an exam like any other where I just learn the info and regurgitate it, that would be fine, but this is a SKILL. I might be able to fake my way through the MCQs, but the other stuff, maybe not. I think I am just wimping out. I mean, a straight forward CABG or Thoractomy is just that, straight forward. It is also fun. I just don't like the stressful stuff, life valves. It is not the hemodynamics that stress me, it is the TEE. I really feel like I just didn't get enough training in residency.
Well, medicine is supposed to be about lifelong learning. I can teach myself stuff (I taught myself highschool physics, afterall), so maybe with the books and videos I have I can learn it. I guess I just have to suck it up, and buckle down.
I just have so many bad memories of studying for hours on end. It feels like the first exam.

Patio love

I haven't posted in awhile. It seems my life has been filled with landscaping, work, and the lake. Two of which I am very happy with.
We got back from Greece and got back into the swing of things right away. Work needed bodies, and we needed money, so it was a good fit. And then, there was the landscapers. They weren't able to do anything on our yard, and were a month behind due to all the rain SK had while we were away. That just meant that we were able to watch all of the work they did.
Every day when I would come home, I would think to myself, "what have they done today?". I would walk around and see only small changes: first the weeds were gone, then the land was level, then the first layer for the patio, and the second, and so on. Now, they have the patio and retaining walls finished, and most of the brick planters finished, and there is even top soil on part of our "lawn"!! It is so exciting! My hubby and I have taken advantage of the new patio a couple of nights in a row now. We sit out there with our tiny bistro set which is dwarfed by trhe enormous patio, sipping wine, watching the kitties play in the dirt. Seven even thought it was her litterbox at one point (ew!). We are loving the patio! Soon, very soon, we will have grass and trees, and flowers, and a hot tub to go along with our beautiful new patio!
Man, I have to say I am so happy I can afford to have someone else do this for me. Not only do I not have the time or desire, but I don't have the know-how, or the patience. And these guys are really taking the time and effort to make it look GOOD! Best $$$$$$ ever spent!!

see my Facebook profile for updated pics!!