The day I realized I don't live in a socialist country.

Wow. I haven't blogged in a really long while. Looking back to my last one in MARCH, seems like so long ago. So much has happened since then. There has been so much that I have wanted to write about, but just haven't. As a long time blogger friend of mine has said before, I was "censoring". Things I wanted to say, but felt I couldn't because they were about people I used to be close to and knew read this. Things I am not ready yet to share with the world. So, why come back today. Well, just like any post, I feel like I need something to shake me before I will bother posting. Today was it. Today I realized I don't live in a socialist country.
I have always been proud of Saskatchewan. We are small, but we are mighty (see some of my previous posts). We are a community that is proud of each other and our accomplishments. But not today.
I work in health care. In Saskatchewan, it has always been very taboo to bring up two-tiered health care or a privatized system. No one wants to become like the US. A little of it was going on already. In Saskatchewan, though, we were trying to blend it a bit better, mix private and public (after all this IS the birthplace of healthcare). So, there is this private surgery clinic that started out private, and then decided as a way to help decrease wait times, and help the people of Saskatchewan, they would open their doors to the public sector. The clinic, including my husband, have worked very hard to make sure that this was a success, that patients, surgeons, nurses, and anesthesiologists were all happy. I think they did a pretty darn good job.
Then, without warning, the district and government have decided that having a clinic in Saskatchewan wasn't good enough. It was costing too much. So, they have decided to outsource the clinic and services to ALBERTA! Great. Take our nurses and surgeons and anesthesiologists and screw them right there. Nope sorry, you get nothing. It doesn't matter that you live HERE and pay taxes HERE. We are going to just let our cowboy neighbors to the west take it all, including incomes, and our tax money. Ridiculous! I can't help thinking that if a different party were in power this would never have happened!!
Two tiered health care does exist, and it seems to be going to the highest bidder! Boo, Alberta and your big unbuilt flashy clinic!!!!

crying in the night

I cried the other night. Yes, I had been reading a book and the main character's love had just died, but really, it was more than that. There I was sitting in bed, alone, reading this, when I started to cry. Not just a little. It was like I was mourning, and I think I was.

Sometimes my job is really hard. We see so much hardship, so much unfairness. But, for some reason we are just supposed to let it go and pretend it doesn't exist. I think that most of the time it has to be that way. If I thought about all the awfulness that exists in what I do, I don't think I could do what I do. Maybe that is why there is so much black humour in medicine. We make light of things so that we can carry on, so we can sleep at night.

Once in awhile, though, it catches up with you. The first time someone dies on your table, you never forget. The faces of the families haunt you. And, always the questions: did you do everything you could? Was there something more? And, what if it had been someone else doing the case, would the outcome be different?

So, the other night I cried. I cried for the first person to die on my table, and the many more after that. I cried for the babies born into this world with parents who are on drugs and can't care for them properly. I cried for the people whose diagnosis of cancer is confirmed in the OR. The women told they couldn't have children. And for the children and parents I have cared for both in the OR and ICU who have fought and lost. Most of all, though, I cried for their families.

I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe in a higher power who looks after us and cares for us. I believe that we all go to a better place, or a least get a second chance. So, it is the families that it is hard on. That is who misses them, who grieves.

And that night, I grieved with them.

City and Colour and Cyberfriends

I blog for my sanity. I blog for catharsis. To write down words that I might otherwise not be able to express to anyone else. I blog for me.

So, you might ask, Why blog, then? Why not just write everything down in a journal? If is just for me anyway, why do I care if anyone reads this? Well, on one hand, I don't care if anyone reads this. On the other hand, I think it is great that they do. I guess the reason is that I hope that I am not alone out there. That, somehow somewhere, there is someone out there experiencing the same things as I am. I feel like if I have the courage to write my experiences and feelings that that may strengthen someone else.

It works the other way, too. I had an anonymous person comment on one of my posts. They said that my words were exactly what they needed to hear that night, like an old friend. Hearing that made it all worth it. They also mentioned a band I had never heard - City and Colour. So, I thought I would check it out. And, I love it! I immediately downloaded a bunch of their music. I am, right now, listening to them as I write this.

Tonight, this blog goes out to all of those who read, and all of those who write. Not just on blogs, but other forms of Cyberspace. Keep posting and commenting on Facebook. Keep Tweeting your goings on. One post at a time we can stay connected, and make a change, even if it is just for one person, to help them get through a lonely night.

Happy Teach

If you read this blog, you probably know that I have a new job. No, I am still an Anesthesiologist. That hasn't changed. I have another job. I am the Undergraduate Education Coordinator for the Department of Anesthesiology in Regina. Sounds impressive, right. Not really. There are a lot of emails, and meetings, and emails about meetings. Sometimes, I feel really frustrated that nothing is changing. See, I can't make any changes on my own. As the University of Saskatchewan is our parent program, and we are just a satellite in the "Distributive Model of Learning", I must comply with what they want and see fit. I have a lot of ideas and passion, and a lot of the time I just feel like the program is stagnant. Everyone is busy, and stuff just takes TIME.

However, lately I have felt very fulfilled with my new position. I have been fortunate to have a really great bunch of students come through our program lately. Not all of them want to do Anesthesia. In fact, not a single one lately wants to do Anesthesia, but they are all interested. They can all see the value in what we do and how it can impact the rest of their careers, and patient care. They have been keen, interested, and generally fun to be around! So, that in itself has been rewarding.

But it is even better than that! First off, I have seen that some of what I am saying to the students is actually sinking in! They are LEARNING! I worked with a resident today and he remembered a lot of what we talked about the time before. That is really what this job is about - imparting knowledge.

Then, there is the fact that by being around students, it helps me to take a look at my own knowledge and my own practice. Why do I do the things I do? How can I have forgotten that much information in such a short time (it was only 3 years since my Royal College Exam!!). It is a great motivator to continue to learn when you fear that you might look like an idiot in front of a student. Teaching forces you to stay current and in the know.

Finally, there are the other perks. I have met students who, like me, are Celiacs and are constantly in search for great Gluten Free recipes. It has been great to bond with those people and swap stories and recipes (gotta love networking, however it happens ;) ). And, last but not least, I have been nominated for Teacher of the Year in Regina!!!!!! I love to teach, but was always worried I wasn't any good. You know, sometimes you just aren't into it. Just like sometimes they aren't into learning, I get it. So, to even have the priviledge of being nominated is so incredibly flattering. When I heard that, it just made my day! Heck, I could ride that wave for months!

More property?

We have had really good luck with property in the past. We bought our first house in Saskatoon for a ridiculously low price and managed to make $200,000 when we sold it. Then, we bought a condo in Regina for my hubby to live in, while I finished school, which we sold for an extra $140,000. Somewhere in there we bought a lakefront property for what was really reasonable at the time (although some people thought we overpaid, there was nothing cheaper that was usuable). And, we bought our house in White City that we now live in. So, right now we own 2 properties - our house and our cabin.

Our cabin, however, is a real piece of shit. No, really. The property itself is lovely and very usable, and so we use it a lot. But the house was built in the 1950s, and not very well. After 60 years, it is finally and totally falling apart. The biggest problem is that the roof has been leaking for years (we finally reshingled it) before we even got it. Now the roof is rotten, and probably the walls too. It is really gross actually. Not to mention the fact that it is too small to even house a regular sized bed.

We got a phone call from our neighbours at the lake today. They are selling their place. So, that gives us a new option. We could keep our house and build something on it eventually (which is our original plan, but my hubby has put off for 5 years already), or we could just buy their place, and then just landscape our lot. It would give us double the property size, and more privacy because of that.

They have put a lot of work into their house, and it looks great. It has lots of room, a big kitchen, and is winterized. Just what we want. We think we could put a big deck on the side of the house (big enough for a hot tub for sure!), a proper boat house on the other side of the house, and like I said landscape ours.

So, where is the problem? Well, we are so close to having EVERYTHING paid off (our big house, our newly landscaped yard, and our cabin at the lake), that my hubby really doesn't want to incur anymore debt. I can't say as I really blame him, but it would solve our dilemma of the cabin. We would have a winterized cabin, that wasn't rotting, that shouldn't need any work for a long time, that we could use for a long time (at least 15-20 years). I am also torn for another reason. If we just wait, and build our own place, we can build what we want. Not to mention, that having more property means more work. More grass to mow. More trees to water. Sure, we could put a huge deck on (that would help), and zeroscape some of it, but still. We are just not sure. Maybe we should go look at it? Maybe, they would give us a deal because we know them.

HHHHhhmmmmmmmm....... What to do?

I love you more than soup

"I love you." My husband says to me. "More than soup?" I reply. He snickers, "That depends. What kind of soup?"

This is a silly banter between my husband and myself that we often repeat. It doesn't mean anything to anyone, but us. I guess it stems from the fact that soup is comforting. It warms you up from the inside out, and fills you up. That, I guess, is what we mean by that. We love each other like that.

Nonetheless, as I said in my last post, sometimes a good bowl of soup is all you need (seems weird that my last couple of posts have been about soup). So, instead of just blogging about it, I thought I would actually give you the recipe.

Now, remember, I am all about quick. I love to cook, but I don't like labour intensive meals. Usually I have a lot of stuff going on, so at home I don't like to make meals that take any longer than 45 minutes or so. So, below is a very quick recipe for Mexican Black Bean Soup.

1 can Black Beans (do not drain)

1 cup salsa

2 cups (or more if you think it needs it) Chicken Stock

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp mustard

tabasco (a couple of drops is all you need)

Salt to taste

Put all this in a pot, bring to a boil. Then, just before serving, puree a little of the soup so it is creamy but still has some whole beans in it (this can be done right in the pot with a hand-held mixer). Top with grated cheese, if desired, and serve with toast.

MMMMmmmmm.... Spicy, warm, and hearty. He just might love this soup more.

Lentil Soup for the Soul

Sometimes something so simple can be so comforting. Soup is often like a warm hug, especially on a cold day. And, when you make a home-made healthy version that is even better. That was what I needed today after the news I got.

Back in November (see my previous posts), we wrote the Advanced Perioperative Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam. It is a North American Exam that Cardiologists, Ultrasonographers, and some Anesthesiologists write. It is a requirement to become certified in Perioperative TEE in the US. And, it is a requirement for our department to be able to continue to do Cardiac Anesthesia.

Well, I failed the exam.

Admittedly, I am NOT a Cardiologist, nor Ultrasonographer. I am not even an anesthesiologist who has done a cardiac fellowship. So, what the heck was I doing writing this exam? Well, as I said, it is a requirement by our department. No other department requires this, and it is useless anywhere else, but most departments require a fellowship to do Cardiac. As well, prior to this it was a different exam. There used to be just a Perioperative TEE exam. Now, there is a basic and advanced, and for some reason in their infinite wisdom, our department decided we needed the Advanced exam.

I have been preparing myself for this result. I studied and studied, but when I got to the exam, it all but blew me away. I was pretty sure at that point I had failed the exam. My hubby and a couple of others wrote it with me, and we all felt the same way - like we had just been sucker-punched in the belly.

Am I bothered by the outcome? Well, seeing as my hubby passed (which is no surprise, as he is brilliant), and I did not, a little bothered. I can write it again, but I am not sure I want to. I would miss some of the people who work in that room. I would miss the expertise of putting in all the lines. But, honestly, I would not miss the stress. The biggest stress comes not from the anesthetic (I can give a cardiac anesthetic, and get the patient off the table), but it is the TEE. I really have never felt that I had the skills, and was just playing at TEE.

So, what do I do. I made some home-made lentil soup, and congratulated my hubby. He did great. He really wanted this, and I am happy for him.

Do I continue on with cardiac and try again? I am not really sure. I don't know if I care that much to put all that effort in again (such a nice feeling that nothing was truly riding on this). I think I have enough different things on my plate (especially now with being the new Undergraduate Teaching Coordinator for Anesthesia).

For now, I will eat my steamy hearty bowl of lentil soup, and ponder. So warm, so comforting, and right now just what I need.