Anaheim

This is us on the Universal Studios tour. Some of the same stuff as when I was five was there! Do people even know who Jaws is anymore?

Los Angeles was really cool, but drving in 6 lanes of traffic to get there was crazy!



Everything at DisneyLand seemed so much smaller than when I was five!

San Diego

We were recently in San Diego for a conference. It was a Transesophageal Echocardiography conference. I learned a lot, but it got a bit boring near the end. Nonetheless, I managed to make some friends, do some shopping, and see some sites:

At the conference we had a "wet lab" in which we dissected a pig heart.

These were some of the friends we met there. Tim works in Regina with us, and Francois and his wife we met there.

After the conference was over we did some site seeing in San Diego.

An old aircraft carrier, the Midway, was turned into a museum. We spent almost 2 hours wandering around it and looking at the planes on it.

In Balboa park, there are a ton of museums. One of which was the museum of man. The outside looks like a church!

Suffering in San Deigo

We are in San Diego right now. We have been here for a week, 6 days of which we have been at a very intense conference (the other was arriving here). The first few days were really good. We learned a lot. I thought to myself, "OK, I can do this". I can learn this stuff and do echo, and continue to do Cardiac Anesthesia. The next few days were alright, but not as good. It was repetitive, and I started to not understand everything, but I perservered, I continued. I learned even more. Some of our friends also joined us for those days, and that helped a lot. We could go out for dinner, and joke about some of the things we were supposed to be learning. Then came the "Advanced Course". Not so interesting. Much less understanding. And, finally, I have reached the end. No, not the end of the conference (there is still over 7 hours of lectures left). The end of my patience, the end of caring, the end of wanting to be here anymore. I even said to my hubby that maybe we should think about coming home early.
Alas, all is not lost. Soon we will be on vacation. We can sleep in, go shopping, see some sights, do what we want, and not learn for a little while. I think San Diego might have some fun things to offer (although I don't know that yet), as will Anaheim and DisneyLand. I just have to hold on a little longer.
How did I ever do this for 14 years straight? OK, I guess the last 6 years were more like work with small bouts of lectures thrown in. However, now I really understand how once people get out into the work force they really don't want to go back to school. You just get out of practice.
At least it is cloudy today. It makes it much easier to be in a dark boring room all day. And, we took some time off, and hung out in the hot tub for a bit. That really helped. Now, I feel a little more refreshed and like I could listen to someone blather on about echo for a bit more. It can be sunny on Saturday. Then we can enjoy it.
Just a little more....

cold feet frustration

AAAAaaaaahhhhhh!! I am so frustrated with myself and with my life right now! We have been looking for a house and finally found one that we thought we liked. Jurgen even, somehow, convinced himself that he could be happy there. Two days ago, he phoned into my OR and said we should make an offer on the house. I agreed, but immediately started to feel uneasy. He made the appointment with the realtor the day before we were to go to San Diego on a conference. I agreed, and continued to feel uneasy. Fast forward to today (the day before we go to San Diego).... After not sleeping for two days and worrying, it was the day we would make an offer. The hours ticked by and I did my job. I got home, cleaned the house, and thought to myself, "I can't do this". I knew that somehow I had convinced Jurgen to buy a house, and somehow he had convinced himself he would be happy there, and now I was too nervous to go on. I knew that were I to tell him I didn't want to do this, he would never be convinced again. I hate it when I'm right.

Something wasn't right. Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was where the house is (in White City). Maybe it was a couple of things I didn't think were "perfect" about the house. Maybe it was just that we were leaving for two weeks to another country and I didn't want the stress of having to negotiate a house while we were away. In the end, it doesn't matter what it was, it just wasn't right. And yes, Jurgen was mad. And yes, I will never be able to convince him to buy a house again.

Then, I am frustrated with my job. I have had a couple of cases that haven't been satisfying lately. I made a couple of calls that ended up being "weak" choices. I was able to rectify the situation, but it was more stressful than it had to be. I have had to call for help, and get assistance much more than I would like. I don't know if I am just hard on myself, but sometimes I feel like the surgeons don't respect me or my decisions. Sure, I am green, but in the end someone thought I was competent, or they wouldn't have given me the FRCPC designation.

So, where do I go from here? San Diego. Literally. I can't possibly think of anything else but this conference right now. Will that house be there when we come back? Maybe. Will we decide we want it then? Maybe. Will I be able to convince Jurgen? Maybe(not). And my job? Well, maybe I just need a vacation.

Tincture of time. That makes everything better.

decisions

I seem to have some major life decisions coming up. It seems harder. Before there was never any doubt about decisions I was making, because unless they were short term, the answer was always the same - finish residency, pass the exam. Now, I have done that, and I need to make some new decisions. First, one that is a bit fun: Buying a house. Do we buy right now? Do we buy or build? Can we live outside the city, like in Emerald Park, or is that too far away? Will it affect our life too much?
Second, one that may affect my career: Should I continue to do cardiac anesthesia? If I do, I have to take the TEE course, write and pass the TEE exam. I think having those skills would be very valuable, but I am just not sure if I want to study for another exam so soon after writing the biggest exam of my life. Also, I am not sure if I want the stress of doing cardiac. Those people die.
Finally, a decision which may affect both of the previous ones: To have kids, or not to have kids? It seems like the next logical thing to do as an adult in a stable marriage with a stable career. If the amount that I love and cherish my cats is an indication of how I would be as a parent, I would have no problem loving them unconditionally. The question is, do I want my life to change (drastically), and am I ready?
The answer to all of these questions: I don't know.
We have started to look for houses, found one we like in White City, and are trying to decide. We are attending the TEE course in San Diego, and then maybe I will have a better idea. I am thinking of letting nature take its course with kids.
Is it right to let fate decide? At this point, it seems like the best decision.

Trying to do right and only being treated wrong

Trying to do right and only being treated wrong. That is what happens in our profession. We do our best, try and do what we think it right for the patient and sometimes bad things still happen. Not every case is as smooth and perfect as we would like. Ultimately, we are still human beings. Unfortunately, sometimes other human beings forget that. Doctors are not computers or robots incapable of human error. We are fallible emotional beings, capable of heartbreak and failure. We hope that those whom we work with will at least understand, afterall they are also human beings expected of amazing feats, but again, that is not always the case.

We expect that we will be treated with respect. That, despite our fallibility others will make an effort to understand and empathize with us. In the end, however, all want is respect. A discussion should ensue, face to face, to discuss problems and solutions. Again, this may not always be the case. Not all individuals play by the same rules, or play fair.

And so, what does one do? Do we decide to retaliate and be undrespectful? Do we seek guidance from others? Do we carry on, hoping things will improve? Do we stop doing what we know is right? Or, do we simply run away, hoping it might be better somewhere else? One can only hope we will make the right decision for ourselves, our patients, and our community.

Contentment has a new name - Regina

I am sitting here watching my favorite television show with one cat on my lap, purring, and the other cat witting behind my head on the couch. I am struck once again by something very profound - contentment. I was at work (which I normally am), and looked around and thought, "Gee, I am lucky". Lucky to work in such a great environment. Lucky to work in such a great hospital and city. Lucky to do what I do. Even more than that, lucky to have my life. My husband, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I love them all. Regina is a great city. Its warmth may not always stem from its weather, but it comes from the people. That is what makes a city, a home, a heart. The people, and I am content to be one of them.