Lesser of Two Evils

You've heard the saying: choosing between the lesser of two evils. Sometimes, it is not that easy. Both of the choices are evil, or not good. So, then what do you do? I am a talker. So, I talk to a bunch of different people and get there opionions. Let's be honest. Sometimes I do this because I just want to hear that I am not crazy and that someone else thinks what I want to do is OK, just to get reassurance. It is much harder to do this when it is a controversial subject. People have very strong feelings, that just might not jive with your own. So, I still talk and ask, but I don't find it that helpful. Especially, when the person I love the most thinks differently than me, but is willing to do whatever I want (also not helpful). I don't know. It is just so hard. Not to mention that the outcomes aren't even certain. Evil number one COULD happen, but so evil number two COULD also happen if I make that choice, but nothing is set in stone. It is all about statistics. A number game. And, sometimes numbers lie.

Come on! Just one more!

I love to travel. It has always been me dream to visit new places, see exotic things, and have new experiences. I thought that by working really hard, and getting a great job, I would be able to afford to do this. It turns out that being able to afford something doesn't always mean one is able to. The problem is my husband.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, more than anything. I used to think that this love for travel was something we shared. We certainly have been a lot of places together. But, apparently he "hates travelling". I don't think that is entirely true. He hates spending money, he hates waiting in lines, he hates being squished in with a bunch of people he doesn't know nor care to know. OK, I get that. No one likes that, but it is the price you pay when you want to travel somewhere.

It is starting (or maybe continuing) to become a problem in our relationship. Every time I want to go somewhere I feel like I have to go on a marathon 6 month fight to get him to agree. So, I have said to him on numerous occasions that I am happy to travel alone. For example, I went to Vegas with just the Anesthesia girls, and it was a blast!! There is also a conference in Chicago that I want to go to and would be happy to attend again with those girls. But this is not good enough. He doesn't want to be left at home, by himself, to work. Well, make up your mind!!

In the end, he always has a great time when we go anywhere. He likes the same things that I do, for the most part, so I really don't understand it. Why is it always a fight?

He says that I "get my way to much", that I "make no sacrifices", that I should "learn to suffer or go without". I say, I worked really hard to get where I am, and I work hard now, so I should be able to enjoy life now while I am young, especially before we have kids (because we all know what happens then - you just can't travel like you did before).

So, I don't know what to do. Do I keep fighting in the hopes that I win? Do I just go without him (even though he is my best friend, and I love to spend time with him, which is why I want him to come)? Or do I accept defeat and lay over and play dead like a dog? None of those sound very appetizing.

Dear hitchhiker

Dear Hitchhiker,

I saw you, you and your dog, on my way home from work. I thought, "Sorry, dude, I am not going that far, there is no way I could take you to Montreal, let alone Winnipeg". You looked tired, and maybe dirty, but I didn't give it another thought. I went home, and sat outside in the heat.

Then, I saw you again, on my way back in. Lying on the ground. Your ever faithful dog sitting near you, protecting you. And, I saw the cops coming to you. This time I felt sad. Sad that it had come to this for you. Sad that you didn't have the money for a bus ticket or hotel room.

When the ambulance was not that far behind, that was when it hit me. It was so hot outside. You and your dog probably don't have any water. It would be easy to overheat in this weather.

What happened to you? I don't know. I can only hope good things for you. I can only hope you were taken to hospital, and made better. Cleaned up, and given something to eat. I hope that your dog, ever faithful, was also taken care of, but left with you and not taken. I wish I could have done more for you. Given you a ride, or money, but I didn't.

People think I'm crazy when I see the kids on the street begging for money, and give them a five or something. But maybe, just maybe it could prevent sadness like this.

Please, let this be a prayer for you, and others out there down on there luck. I pray that you are safe, and healthy. I pray you find you way home. That you, and your dog, make it there just fine.
And next time, may I have the courage to help out, if only just a little.

I wanted to say thank you as well

My highschool Drama teacher retired the other day. There was a variety show held in his honour. After almost 40 years at A. E. Peacock, there were many students who wanted to showcase their talents. From singers, to dancers, to actors, to comedy acts. I, unlike my highschool years, sat in the audience and watched, marvelling at the talent this school has seen.
I remember highschool so well. I have to say, I loved every minute of it! It was there that I began to form who I am today. And, Lyle, you had a large part in that. I learned about committment, and hard work. I learned about dealing with stress while having fun, and how to leave your nerves at the door. I learned what being in a team is all about.
So, I may not be an artist now. In fact, I am not a teacher of primary or secondary school. But, I am an educator. I have taken some of the things that you taught me and I apply them everyday with my students. Sure, they aren't learning lines, or choreography, but you always made learning fun, and that is what I try to do with my students.
LJ, you have touched so many lives along the way. I feel blessed to have been one of your students and learned so many of life's important lessons from you.
Enjoy your retirement!! You deserve it!!

The day I realized I don't live in a socialist country.

Wow. I haven't blogged in a really long while. Looking back to my last one in MARCH, seems like so long ago. So much has happened since then. There has been so much that I have wanted to write about, but just haven't. As a long time blogger friend of mine has said before, I was "censoring". Things I wanted to say, but felt I couldn't because they were about people I used to be close to and knew read this. Things I am not ready yet to share with the world. So, why come back today. Well, just like any post, I feel like I need something to shake me before I will bother posting. Today was it. Today I realized I don't live in a socialist country.
I have always been proud of Saskatchewan. We are small, but we are mighty (see some of my previous posts). We are a community that is proud of each other and our accomplishments. But not today.
I work in health care. In Saskatchewan, it has always been very taboo to bring up two-tiered health care or a privatized system. No one wants to become like the US. A little of it was going on already. In Saskatchewan, though, we were trying to blend it a bit better, mix private and public (after all this IS the birthplace of healthcare). So, there is this private surgery clinic that started out private, and then decided as a way to help decrease wait times, and help the people of Saskatchewan, they would open their doors to the public sector. The clinic, including my husband, have worked very hard to make sure that this was a success, that patients, surgeons, nurses, and anesthesiologists were all happy. I think they did a pretty darn good job.
Then, without warning, the district and government have decided that having a clinic in Saskatchewan wasn't good enough. It was costing too much. So, they have decided to outsource the clinic and services to ALBERTA! Great. Take our nurses and surgeons and anesthesiologists and screw them right there. Nope sorry, you get nothing. It doesn't matter that you live HERE and pay taxes HERE. We are going to just let our cowboy neighbors to the west take it all, including incomes, and our tax money. Ridiculous! I can't help thinking that if a different party were in power this would never have happened!!
Two tiered health care does exist, and it seems to be going to the highest bidder! Boo, Alberta and your big unbuilt flashy clinic!!!!

crying in the night

I cried the other night. Yes, I had been reading a book and the main character's love had just died, but really, it was more than that. There I was sitting in bed, alone, reading this, when I started to cry. Not just a little. It was like I was mourning, and I think I was.

Sometimes my job is really hard. We see so much hardship, so much unfairness. But, for some reason we are just supposed to let it go and pretend it doesn't exist. I think that most of the time it has to be that way. If I thought about all the awfulness that exists in what I do, I don't think I could do what I do. Maybe that is why there is so much black humour in medicine. We make light of things so that we can carry on, so we can sleep at night.

Once in awhile, though, it catches up with you. The first time someone dies on your table, you never forget. The faces of the families haunt you. And, always the questions: did you do everything you could? Was there something more? And, what if it had been someone else doing the case, would the outcome be different?

So, the other night I cried. I cried for the first person to die on my table, and the many more after that. I cried for the babies born into this world with parents who are on drugs and can't care for them properly. I cried for the people whose diagnosis of cancer is confirmed in the OR. The women told they couldn't have children. And for the children and parents I have cared for both in the OR and ICU who have fought and lost. Most of all, though, I cried for their families.

I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe in a higher power who looks after us and cares for us. I believe that we all go to a better place, or a least get a second chance. So, it is the families that it is hard on. That is who misses them, who grieves.

And that night, I grieved with them.

City and Colour and Cyberfriends

I blog for my sanity. I blog for catharsis. To write down words that I might otherwise not be able to express to anyone else. I blog for me.

So, you might ask, Why blog, then? Why not just write everything down in a journal? If is just for me anyway, why do I care if anyone reads this? Well, on one hand, I don't care if anyone reads this. On the other hand, I think it is great that they do. I guess the reason is that I hope that I am not alone out there. That, somehow somewhere, there is someone out there experiencing the same things as I am. I feel like if I have the courage to write my experiences and feelings that that may strengthen someone else.

It works the other way, too. I had an anonymous person comment on one of my posts. They said that my words were exactly what they needed to hear that night, like an old friend. Hearing that made it all worth it. They also mentioned a band I had never heard - City and Colour. So, I thought I would check it out. And, I love it! I immediately downloaded a bunch of their music. I am, right now, listening to them as I write this.

Tonight, this blog goes out to all of those who read, and all of those who write. Not just on blogs, but other forms of Cyberspace. Keep posting and commenting on Facebook. Keep Tweeting your goings on. One post at a time we can stay connected, and make a change, even if it is just for one person, to help them get through a lonely night.