Bad mother?

I am debating something, and the answer is not clear. I love my job. I am proud of what I have accomplished and where I have come so far. And, I miss it.
I also love my daughter. She is an absolute miracle and gift, and I cherish the time we are spending together. I am fascinated by her development in such a short amount of time. There is, unfortunately, a but....
I feel isolated, and let's be honest, a bit bored. When I have something to do during the day, like an appointment, a friend coming over, getting groceries, etc., it can take up the whole day. But, when I don't I end up spending a lot of time in front of the TV. Jorja still sleeps a lot, and when she does, in my arms, I watch TV (I can't sleep during the day). We try to go for a walk during the day, or sometimes I work out when she is sleeping, but it doesn't seem like enough. I look forward to when her dad comes home so I can have someone to talk to, but then, I don't have anything to talk about, other than what she has done during the day. I could go out, but then I would just end up spending money. Which, at this point, is not a good thing, when last month neither of us made any money (both being on leave).
So, I have been thinking about going back to work one day a week. This would give me a chance to have some adult conversation and keep up my skills. In addition, it would probably make me appreciate the time I have with Jorja that much more.
Does this make me a bad mother? Should I not want to go back to work? I just don't know how stay at home moms do it. Maybe they are better people than I am. Maybe they are more imaginative and creative on how they spend their time. Maybe they know better ways of stimulating their newborns than I do. I thought a half day to one day a week might just be enough to whet my appetite, but I just don't know. Can I have it all?

Nightmares and Mess

I am not in as good of an emotional place as I was with the last blog, unfortunately. I am feeling a little lost, overwhelmed, and sad.
It all started yesterday. We were having two families over for dinner. That's two couples with each of their two kids. In total, I was cooking and cleaning for 10 people, which is something I usually only have to do once a year (Christmas). And, I am nothing if not anal retentive, so I was cleaning and preparing all day for this. I purged a little bit of stuff along the way (which I have been wanting to do). It was a lovely evening, but I was stressed all night. I kept worrying that the kids were going to wreck something in the house. It bothered me that one kid kept his shoes on and walked around the house all night (God, I hate that. When ANYONE does that. It is so american). It bothered me that there were cupcake crumbs in a "breadtrail" all the way from the kitchen to downstairs where they were watching a movie. It bothered me that at one point one of the little girls was jumping on the couch and then vaulted herself into the air landing only inches from our glass coffee table, and no one seemed to care but me.
Then, early this morning I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that I had lost the baby at 21 weeks (I am 19 weeks now). I was sad in the dream, but also happy that I had my body back. WTF?!
So, what does all this mean?! My hubby proudly said to me last night that he had coped better with the kids than I did, and I might have a worse time of it than him when we have ours. Awesome. Yeah, like I wasn't already thinking that. I reminded him that I never grew up with kids. I was the youngest in my family and did not even have any younger cousins, so this will be all new. I can handle our mess, and probably the mess of a baby, but others' messes not so much.
Am I destined to be a horrible mother? Will I be one of those controlling freaks who never let their kids do anything? Will I end up regretting this amazing decision? Am I in love with the idea, but not the reality? Today, I just feel disillusioned, sad and worried. Maybe it is all fine, and I just had too much sugar last night.