Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Real Stress?

I am stressed. But, not about "real" things. When I was a resident, I worried all the time about how I was doing. Was I learning enough? Did people think I was smart? Was I going to be good at my job? Can I really do this? What if I don't know enough? What if someone dies because of me? Etc..... Then, there was always the stress of the exam. Would I be able to pass it? Again, what if I don't know enough? What would people think if I didn't pass? Oh, the humiliation!
The time came for my evaluations, and the exam. I passed. I did know enough. I was not humiliated. Then, I worried about starting work: Would I know enough? Can I really do this? What if someone dies because of me? I started work. I do know enough (although there is always more to learn), and I can really do this.
So, now what am I stressed about? Well, in chronilogical order: Apparently I am not such a cook. This week I have tried to go outside my comfort zone and make some new items. Unfortunately, they didn't really work the way I wanted them too. What will I make for supper tommorrow? Why does nothing ever work out? How can I get my hubby to take a turn at cooking?
Kids. Should we have them? Do I want them? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I can make the commitment. I see my friend's little 6 month old and marvel at how cute he is! Look at his clothes, his smile, his chubby face. But I worry. Would I be a good parent? Would I even like kids? What about the couple time? What about my life? Would kids fit into my life? Can I even have them? Maybe I waited too long. And if I do want them, how do I get my husband to be convinced that this is what he wants to?
Then, My girlfriend is getting married and I am giving a speech. I have put it off, but I can no longer. Time is running out, and I still haven't completed it. Sure, I have some ideas, but it isn't solid. So, I think: What if it isn't good enough? What if people laugh? Or don't? What if my friend hates it?
Finally, I am planning a miniconference for the anesthesiologists of Saskatchewan. It is only one day, and yet I feel like I have hours and hours and hours of work to do for it. I feel, again, like time is running out. What if I don't get enough money? What do I do about the residents? What if the day sucks? What if the food sucks? What if the entertainment sucks? How do I get the day accredited? What if I can't get it accredited?
So, are these really things to be stressed about? Or, am I one of those people who always has to have something to be worried/stressed about? Sure, maybe the last one is stressful, but the first? And the middle ones, I am not so sure.
Now, I am just stressed about worrying. Geesh.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

closing up

This weekend was all about closing up the lake. This time of year always makes me sad. We make so many memories, and have so much fun at the lake. Then, when it finally turns cold we have to bring everything in and lock up for the season. Another chapter in the book of life, over.

We worked hard the last two days. Luckily, we decided to do all the "in the water" stuff yesturday when it was still nice out. We took in the Seadoo, took in the boat, and brought the dock in. By the time we got home, the weather had already started to turn. First the wind almost blowing the cover right off the boat as we attempted to tie it down, then the rain and cold. Today was really cold. 10 degrees and windy. Jurgen's Dad came out to help us, so we were able to get everything else done. The cabin is completely closed up for the season.

Autumn is my favorite time of year out at the lake. It is so pretty with all of the leaves turning colour. Usually we don't totally close up until October sometime, but we have other things we need to do, so we decided to close up early.

Someday maybe we will build a new cabin. One that is insulated so we could use it a bit longer. If we had a fireplace in the house we could light it and maybe go cross country skiing, or get a snowmobile and go sledding, or just come out where it is quiet. It would be less work to close things up then, and maybe then it wouldn't feel quite so sad. It wouldn't really be closed up then, just the water stuff would be away. Well, one can dream anyway.

I guess you always have to have something to look forward to. I always look forward to the summer and being at the lake. So, here is to next year. I am looking forward to it already!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

First day memories

I have been working here in Regina as an anesthesiologist for over a year now. I think about my first day with fondness today, as a colleague has his first day here. In fact, he was a resident here in Regina and came into my room to work that day. I thought it was an "ambitious day" and didn't expect to be finished on time. I was right, we weren't, but it was still a good day. I learned so much about myself that day. About my abilities to teach, work effiiciently, and the best part, that I could truly do my job well without help (residents don't count, and he was only there for part of the day).
Now, it is his turn to experience that. The unknown is always scary, but I am certain this guy will do amazing. He is SMART! I have been trying to give him hints along the way that would make his transition easier, so I hope they help.
I always feel a sense of pride when my friends from medical school, and residency begin to work, especially in the same place as me! So long ago we were all bright-eyed, scared students sitting in the classroom as the professor told us all how OLD we would be when we finally finished medical school! I remember wondering what my life would be like when that moment finally came, and not quite being able to picture it. Man, was I scared. And then, 9 years later when I had my first day as a staff I was scared again. Excited, but scared. More worried, I guess than scared. Worried that I wouldn't know what to do. Luckily, my training and knowledge kicked in right away, and I really didn't need to worry.
So, here is to the new member of our department! Cheers! I hope you love your job as much as I do!