I am debating something, and the answer is not clear. I love my job. I am proud of what I have accomplished and where I have come so far. And, I miss it.
I also love my daughter. She is an absolute miracle and gift, and I cherish the time we are spending together. I am fascinated by her development in such a short amount of time. There is, unfortunately, a but....
I feel isolated, and let's be honest, a bit bored. When I have something to do during the day, like an appointment, a friend coming over, getting groceries, etc., it can take up the whole day. But, when I don't I end up spending a lot of time in front of the TV. Jorja still sleeps a lot, and when she does, in my arms, I watch TV (I can't sleep during the day). We try to go for a walk during the day, or sometimes I work out when she is sleeping, but it doesn't seem like enough. I look forward to when her dad comes home so I can have someone to talk to, but then, I don't have anything to talk about, other than what she has done during the day. I could go out, but then I would just end up spending money. Which, at this point, is not a good thing, when last month neither of us made any money (both being on leave).
So, I have been thinking about going back to work one day a week. This would give me a chance to have some adult conversation and keep up my skills. In addition, it would probably make me appreciate the time I have with Jorja that much more.
Does this make me a bad mother? Should I not want to go back to work? I just don't know how stay at home moms do it. Maybe they are better people than I am. Maybe they are more imaginative and creative on how they spend their time. Maybe they know better ways of stimulating their newborns than I do. I thought a half day to one day a week might just be enough to whet my appetite, but I just don't know. Can I have it all?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I can't believe how time flies. It has been six weeks since the birth of my first child. Jorja is growing like a weed, as they say. She has already gained 2 lbs (over a kilo, actually) and 5 cm (2 inches) in length. She has a cute little pot belly and is starting to have a bit of a personality.
Pregnancy was somewhat as I expected, although different when you are actually the one experiencing it. Labour and delivery was nothing like I expected it - some things were better (like how bad the contractions were (not so bad), and how good the epidural worked), and some things were worse (like needing a section, having a really high block with local anesthetic toxicity, and the side effects of the morphine). My recovery, however, was better than I expected. I bounced back quick and by 4 weeks was working out, and by 6 weeks doing my prepregnancy workout and abs.
Motherhood was nothing like I expected, either. OK, I expected sleep deprivation, and at the beginning I was surprised at how much this knocked me on my ass. I mean, I do call all the time and am used to staying up all night, but not EVERY night. To tell you the truth, the hospital was the worst. The first night (after labouring all night the night before), they came in every hour to check if I was breathing (really?!) and every second hour to feed, and then the second night Jorja was awake every hour to two to feed. So, it was 3 days before I had more than about an hour of good sleep. Once I got home, my hubby and I figured out a system that worked for us, and I actually got some sleep.
I didn't expect how much I would love this little person. She truly is a gift from heaven. Yes, there are times when I want to throw her in a snowbank, but for most part I love her to bits. I think she is SO beautiful. I love dressing her up like a little doll. I love hanging out with her. And having her in our lives has made me love my husband that much more. There is nothing sexier than seeing my husband cuddled up with our baby. She just loves him. Sometimes, he is the only one who can make her stop crying. We really are a little family, and a great team.
So, I knew I wanted to do this, but now I'm glad. I had my misgivings before she came along - would I be a good mom? Would I know what to do? I still have those thoughts, but I am learning to take it one day at a time and learn with her as we go and grow together. Yes, the sleep deprivation and flabby body are worth it.