Monday, November 1, 2010

Heavy Hearted After the Cardiac Exam

I thought I was done with all this. Stress, worry, and most of all that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach after a bad exam. It is that feeling that haunts most adults. The nightmare of being back in middleschool/highschool/college and having forgotten to study for that big exam (what exam?! Oh my god!). People told me that feeling would go away. Those nightmares would vanish. Apparently, not so. Not when you keep taking exams.
The good thing about this exam is it doesn't really matter. No matter what, my life doesn't change. I still have a great job, in a great city, with great people. I still have an amazing family, and an amazing house, and a great life. If I don't pass, I might have to write it again, or I might not be able to do cardiac anesthesia anymore, but I can still do everything else. Again, my life doesn't really change, but it still sucks.
My hubby and I wrote the same exam at the same time today, a first for us. We have discovered that we don't study the same, we don't handle stress the same, and we are a bit competitive. When we finished we both felt pretty shitty about the exam. The difference was that he thought this was "the hardest exam he had ever written". I can't really say the same. Does that mean I did better than him? Most likely not (he is "scary smart"), but I have done REALLY poorly on some exams in the past. I don't think he ever really has. I am willing to wait and see how it goes. Maybe we will both be surprised.
Nonetheless, it felt really good to come home (the exam was in Saskatoon, which I do not miss), see the kitties, and then watch the sunset from the hot tub. That felt better. I just wish that heavy pit in my stomach would go away.
I guess I'll just have to stop taking exams.

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