reprieve

Whenever it gets like this I always feel like I need a vacation. So tired. Working so hard.

The last 3 days I have had a student (which is draining), and have been late every day. It boils down to working 10-12 hours every day. Makes for a long week. And, I am on call this weekend (Friday, Sunday).

The other problem is all the snow we've had. I like winter and snow, but it has been so Grey. I feel like I could take minus 40 any day as long as there is sun. Right now we don't have either. It is cold, snowy, and grey. Boo.

Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could just have a nice boring desk job in which I worked 9-5. Having a coffee break and lunch break would be great. Sometimes I just dream of going out for lunch.

Well, good thing we are going to Vegas in the 2nd week of Dec. It will be fun, but I am hoping we will get a bit of rest in as well. Maybe I will book a spa treatment for myself. Either way, it will be a nice reprieve.

And then there is Christmas coming. Again, boo. Not a fan. Too much stress and too much to do.

Maybe I'd fee better in the hot tub.

Last bit of summer?

It feels like summer. In a year where it rained SO much that our unfinished yard looked like a lake for most of the summer, we are having a gorgeous November. Admittedly, it is only a week in, but it is lovely. We had a really nice October too, until the inevitable snow storm right before Halloween. What is with that? Why do SK kids always have to find costumes they can wear OVER their snow suits?

Anyway, I am indulging in the nice weather by sitting outside, in the sun, with a beer while I make BBQ chicken. I decided to have my husband's family over while it is still nice. I am trying to soak up as much sun and get as much vitamin D as possible before the long cold months set in.

Luckily, we are going to some warmer places over the winter months. This is fast becoming a fantastic habit. Vegas in December to do some last minute Christmas shopping and warm up a bit, and then Cuba in February for 2 weeks. That has to be one of my favourite things to do - go on a "hot trip" in the winter. It definitely helps when you have 6 months of winter.

Now that that silly exam is over, I feel like I can relax a little. (At least until I find out that I failed the stupid thing) We have been out for dinner, watched some movies, and, of course, laid in the hot tub. Life is good when you are finished your exams (at least until something else comes up!), and have some free time.

Heavy Hearted After the Cardiac Exam

I thought I was done with all this. Stress, worry, and most of all that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach after a bad exam. It is that feeling that haunts most adults. The nightmare of being back in middleschool/highschool/college and having forgotten to study for that big exam (what exam?! Oh my god!). People told me that feeling would go away. Those nightmares would vanish. Apparently, not so. Not when you keep taking exams.

The good thing about this exam is it doesn't really matter. No matter what, my life doesn't change. I still have a great job, in a great city, with great people. I still have an amazing family, and an amazing house, and a great life. If I don't pass, I might have to write it again, or I might not be able to do cardiac anesthesia anymore, but I can still do everything else. Again, my life doesn't really change, but it still sucks.

My hubby and I wrote the same exam at the same time today, a first for us. We have discovered that we don't study the same, we don't handle stress the same, and we are a bit competitive. When we finished we both felt pretty shitty about the exam. The difference was that he thought this was "the hardest exam he had ever written". I can't really say the same. Does that mean I did better than him? Most likely not (he is "scary smart"), but I have done REALLY poorly on some exams in the past. I don't think he ever really has. I am willing to wait and see how it goes. Maybe we will both be surprised.

Sigh....

Nonetheless, it felt really good to come home (the exam was in Saskatoon, which I do not miss), see the kitties, and then watch the sunset from the hot tub. That felt better. I just wish that heavy pit in my stomach would go away.

I guess I'll just have to stop taking exams.

10 great things about SK

1. Beautiful long lasting sunsets where the colour almost blinds you.

2. Space, miles of miles of it.

3. Peace. Thank God there aren't so many people here It is SO lovely just to have silence once in awhile.

4. People being neighborly. Before I even moved to my town and was looking at the house, the guy across the street came and helped us when our car got stuck, and he didn't even know us! No one in Vancouver would do that!

5. Reasonable realty. Almost anyone can own a little house here. A great way to build a little nest egg.

6. Comraderie. People from SK stick together. We love our province, our hockey, and our football team.

7. Wildlife. Not having so many people means you can see them in your backyard! Deer, prairie chicken, coyotes all so close you could touch them.

8. Raw lanscape. A landscape so untouched that people come from all over to hunt and fish here in places so remote that you can only fly in.

9.Talent. So much talent resides and is from here. We are a small province, but we are mighty. Artistic and scientific minds abound.

10. Hard workers. People who live by the sweat of their brow and work the land and don't feel the need to "keep up with the Jones".

SK is a fantastic province full of beauty and friendly people with purpose.

Thanksgiving

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have. So, as it is thanksgiving weekend, I thought I would blog out a list.

1. The weather. OMG, it has been so beautiful here lately!

2. My beautiful yard. After many months of thinking it would never get done, both the back and front yards are finally finished (allowing us to indulge in the beautiful weather)!

3. Our hot tub in the back yard. So lovely (see one of my previous posts).

4. A great job. When I was in the thick of things always studying, doing research, and preparing rounds, I was never sure if it would be worth it in the end, but, thankfully, it is. Many times I can't even believe they pay me for what I do!

5. Travel. We have been some amazing places in the last couple of years: Thailand, Greece, Jamaica, Las Vegas, BC, Montreal, California. There are so many places in the world yet left to see. I can't wait!

6. This great country of Canada that we live in. No matter where I go, I am always happy I am Canadian.

7. My home. Again, no matter where we go, I am always glad to come home.

8. My house. Ok, this might be beating the bush a little. But a home is where your heart is, that can be anywhere, but I really do love our house. Our house in White City is so great for us, and just so perfect!

9. My cats. Seven and Stupe are really good cats. No matter how I am feeling I can always come home to some furry loving - purring and face licking!

10. My friends. I have a great group of people I am privileged to call my friends. Through all walks of life at every point in my life I have been blessed with knowing wonderful people.

11. My family. I am blessed to have such a great family. My immediates, My grands, and my in laws. All wonderful people!!

12. Health. Not just for me, but my whole family is very healthy. Thank goodness!

13. My hubby. Probably most important. He keeps me grounded, is great fun to be around, and is always a source of comfort. We balance each other well.

There are probably many more things I could come up with to be thankful for (I have such a great life!), but these are the tops for now.

What are you thankful for?

Physician advocate

My husband asked me a question that I thought was very true today. He said that there are a ton of patient advocate groups. Different places where patients can go if they feel they have been treated wrongly, and launch a complaint. But what about physicians? There doesn't seem to be any kind of organization which fills the same role for us. No one cares.

The only group that has any semblance of that is the CMPA (Canadian Medical Protection Agency), and personally I don't find them helpful. Oh yeah, they are really good when it comes to defending us in court (most often they win, and if they don't think they can, they settle), but they are not very touchy-feely. The one time that I had to contact them about a case that I thought had gone wrong (through no fault of my own, as I was a resident), all they told me was "not to talk to anyone about this". There I was a first year resident feeling afraid and alone, and terrible about the outcome, and that was all they could say? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

So why is that? Do patients really not value what we do? I don't believe that is the case. Are all physicians so bad? I don't believe that either. Or is it our system of a mostly non-litiginous based society (versus the States), where patients feel they need someone to complain to because they don't want to take it all the way to the courts? I don't know, but it doesn't sit well with me.

We work hard. We have given up the best years of our lives studying and working hard to become the best physicians we can in order to give our patients the best care. In the years where my other friends were getting married, having babies, and beginning to advance in their careers, I was stuck in a classroom for 8 hours a day, and then would study for at least another 4 more. And no, not for the average 3-5 years it takes for most people to get a degree, but for 14 years! OK, sure I am whining now. Was it worth it in the end? Sure. Am I happy doing what I am doing? Absolutely. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

But really, when someone who is SO good at their jobs gets a complaint from a patient (and farther up even) that was in NO WAY below the standard of care, that is just sad. No, this wasn't me who had the complaint launched, but I feel for that person. I feel like we really give up a lot for our patients (long years, long days, long hours, lack of sleep, lack of any kind of recognition), and we all do it willingly for THEM. So, really, where are OUR advocates?!

Backyard bliss

Last night I decided to watch the sunset (in the hot tub, of course!) from our back yard. I marvelled at the sounds of the coming night like a vampire newly "born". The crickets were singing, birds different than the day were calling, and as fall is fast approaching, there were Canada geese calling to each other getting ready for their long journey south. As the sounds of the geese came to a cresendo, a new sound broke into the night. Coyotes began their lonely howl, longing for the birds that had not yet taken flight. While listening to all of this, I watched as the sky slowly turned colour; first orange and yellow, then finally cresting in a sea of reds and purples, as blackness faded in. Such beauty. Such stillness.

Today, I experienced a different joy in my own back yard. With the fence finally in place, the cats were able to go outside to run and play. I giggled as Seven chased after a butterfly, only to have it fly away to taunt her again. And Stupe rolls in the grass, and lays there sunbathing in the warm later afternoon sun. If they could speak I am sure they would tell me they are at peace. They are happy, and they love the new yard.

So often, now, I am struck by how fortunate I am. How wonderful it is, my life, on the Other Side of the Mountain.