Thursday, February 5, 2009

cold feet frustration

AAAAaaaaahhhhhh!! I am so frustrated with myself and with my life right now! We have been looking for a house and finally found one that we thought we liked. Jurgen even, somehow, convinced himself that he could be happy there. Two days ago, he phoned into my OR and said we should make an offer on the house. I agreed, but immediately started to feel uneasy. He made the appointment with the realtor the day before we were to go to San Diego on a conference. I agreed, and continued to feel uneasy. Fast forward to today (the day before we go to San Diego).... After not sleeping for two days and worrying, it was the day we would make an offer. The hours ticked by and I did my job. I got home, cleaned the house, and thought to myself, "I can't do this". I knew that somehow I had convinced Jurgen to buy a house, and somehow he had convinced himself he would be happy there, and now I was too nervous to go on. I knew that were I to tell him I didn't want to do this, he would never be convinced again. I hate it when I'm right.

Something wasn't right. Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was where the house is (in White City). Maybe it was a couple of things I didn't think were "perfect" about the house. Maybe it was just that we were leaving for two weeks to another country and I didn't want the stress of having to negotiate a house while we were away. In the end, it doesn't matter what it was, it just wasn't right. And yes, Jurgen was mad. And yes, I will never be able to convince him to buy a house again.

Then, I am frustrated with my job. I have had a couple of cases that haven't been satisfying lately. I made a couple of calls that ended up being "weak" choices. I was able to rectify the situation, but it was more stressful than it had to be. I have had to call for help, and get assistance much more than I would like. I don't know if I am just hard on myself, but sometimes I feel like the surgeons don't respect me or my decisions. Sure, I am green, but in the end someone thought I was competent, or they wouldn't have given me the FRCPC designation.

So, where do I go from here? San Diego. Literally. I can't possibly think of anything else but this conference right now. Will that house be there when we come back? Maybe. Will we decide we want it then? Maybe. Will I be able to convince Jurgen? Maybe(not). And my job? Well, maybe I just need a vacation.

Tincture of time. That makes everything better.

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