Sunday, September 4, 2011

Nightmares and Mess

I am not in as good of an emotional place as I was with the last blog, unfortunately. I am feeling a little lost, overwhelmed, and sad.
It all started yesterday. We were having two families over for dinner. That's two couples with each of their two kids. In total, I was cooking and cleaning for 10 people, which is something I usually only have to do once a year (Christmas). And, I am nothing if not anal retentive, so I was cleaning and preparing all day for this. I purged a little bit of stuff along the way (which I have been wanting to do). It was a lovely evening, but I was stressed all night. I kept worrying that the kids were going to wreck something in the house. It bothered me that one kid kept his shoes on and walked around the house all night (God, I hate that. When ANYONE does that. It is so american). It bothered me that there were cupcake crumbs in a "breadtrail" all the way from the kitchen to downstairs where they were watching a movie. It bothered me that at one point one of the little girls was jumping on the couch and then vaulted herself into the air landing only inches from our glass coffee table, and no one seemed to care but me.
Then, early this morning I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that I had lost the baby at 21 weeks (I am 19 weeks now). I was sad in the dream, but also happy that I had my body back. WTF?!
So, what does all this mean?! My hubby proudly said to me last night that he had coped better with the kids than I did, and I might have a worse time of it than him when we have ours. Awesome. Yeah, like I wasn't already thinking that. I reminded him that I never grew up with kids. I was the youngest in my family and did not even have any younger cousins, so this will be all new. I can handle our mess, and probably the mess of a baby, but others' messes not so much.
Am I destined to be a horrible mother? Will I be one of those controlling freaks who never let their kids do anything? Will I end up regretting this amazing decision? Am I in love with the idea, but not the reality? Today, I just feel disillusioned, sad and worried. Maybe it is all fine, and I just had too much sugar last night.

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