Sunday, March 11, 2012

Bad mother?

I am debating something, and the answer is not clear. I love my job. I am proud of what I have accomplished and where I have come so far. And, I miss it.
I also love my daughter. She is an absolute miracle and gift, and I cherish the time we are spending together. I am fascinated by her development in such a short amount of time. There is, unfortunately, a but....
I feel isolated, and let's be honest, a bit bored. When I have something to do during the day, like an appointment, a friend coming over, getting groceries, etc., it can take up the whole day. But, when I don't I end up spending a lot of time in front of the TV. Jorja still sleeps a lot, and when she does, in my arms, I watch TV (I can't sleep during the day). We try to go for a walk during the day, or sometimes I work out when she is sleeping, but it doesn't seem like enough. I look forward to when her dad comes home so I can have someone to talk to, but then, I don't have anything to talk about, other than what she has done during the day. I could go out, but then I would just end up spending money. Which, at this point, is not a good thing, when last month neither of us made any money (both being on leave).
So, I have been thinking about going back to work one day a week. This would give me a chance to have some adult conversation and keep up my skills. In addition, it would probably make me appreciate the time I have with Jorja that much more.
Does this make me a bad mother? Should I not want to go back to work? I just don't know how stay at home moms do it. Maybe they are better people than I am. Maybe they are more imaginative and creative on how they spend their time. Maybe they know better ways of stimulating their newborns than I do. I thought a half day to one day a week might just be enough to whet my appetite, but I just don't know. Can I have it all?


Anonymous said...

You are so not alone. Every mom I know has been in the exact same place! Being a mom is awesome and mind numbing all at the same time. The year after I had my first I worked 60% and found it was a nice balance. This time around I'm going back 100% and my heart is torn. I love my job and think I'm good at it, but I also want to be home with my kids!

KJ Konkin said...

Men get to have it all...why not women? Why can't be income earners who are good at what we do, AND happy, highly achieving parents? Best thing you can give your daughter is the role model of a woman who is loves her family, but is also soaring outside the home, in her other roles.

Plus, if we do this, we make space for our partners to fill in more of a primary parenting role with their child...creating, in my opinion, a future of more loving, more engaged men/fathers.