Monday, July 21, 2008

Is it possible to feel more alone in your own city and your own house, than you would if you were in the middle of no where? I think so. That is how I feel. I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Some time alone is good, but too much just makes you feel lonely. I go for runs, do errands, and research a trip which may never come to pass. All the while waiting for the time to come when I will have human contact again. I wait for him to come home, thinking we can do something together, but no that does not happen.
Lately, it is all fights and disappointment. I feel like a roommate, only I sleep less than I would if I were just a housemate (then I would have my own room and I wouldn't have to put up with his snoring). How can two people who have been married for almost 4 years and together alomst 12 have so little in common with each other? We don't like to do any of the same things. I feel like we are living two completely separate lives, only in paralell.
Sometimes I think I would like to have a child, but then I think, would I really want to bring a child into this relationship? It wouldn't make it any better, thats for sure! It would probably be a lot like this for the first few months - him making me feel guilty for not working, having to rely on him for money and being made to feel guilty. Only thing is, it would be a lot less fun, as I would be exceedingly tired and grumpy from having been up with the tike all night. A little sad really, it is the next step in our relationship and I fear it.
Will things change when I start work again? Absolutely! No more guilt about not working, no more guilt about not having money. Will our relationship change? I doubt it. A selfish person who can only be jealous of their partner instead of happy for them, will not change. I will just have more freedom.
Now, if I could just find someone to take my trips with me!

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