I had nightmares all night last night. About crazy cases, people dying, and incompetence - my incompetence. I used to dream about not doing well at work - my attendings getting mad at me, about failing the exam, but now it is more serious. Now, when I make a mistake, it is huge. People could die. No, nothing has happened, but I am worried and my psyche knows it. Tonight is my first night on First Call. All night there were mean faces, sick people, and no help, and I am worried that it will come true.
This is how I felt before my first day of work, and that went fine, didn't it? And, I am not really alone. I do have help. Jurgen is going to be working in another room. He asked our scheduller (who is awesome) if we could be on call together, at least for the first little while. So, I am first call, and he is second call. He knew how I would be feeling, and knew that it would make me feel at least a little better knowing he was there. I trust Jurgen with my life, not to mention our patient's lives. His knowledge and skill is unsurpassed.
Still, I worry. I hope that the nurses and surgeons will be just as nice to me tonight as they have been for the last week and a half. I hope people will be understanding. I guess the only way to know for sure is to just do it (Nike). Jump in with both feet and hope you don't hit the bottom!