End of the World?

The world is supposed to end in three days.  The Mayan calender is supposed to end on December 21, 2012.  Some people believe that this means that the world is coming to an end.  Maybe.... But, even if it does, I'm OK with that. 
Now, I'm not saying that I want the world to end.  I would be sad (although if the world ended I would probably be dead so I wouldn't know the difference), but I'm ready. 
What I mean is that I feel gratitude.  Gratitude for the wonderful life that I live.  I have accomplished everything I set out to.  I have a wonderful loving family.  I have a beautiful, healthy daughter that I feel blessed to have brought into this world.  I like my job and the people I work with.  I am comfortable and without true want.  I feel thankful and blessed.
So, if the world does end, I am OK.  I'd like to see what else I can accomplish, and maybe have another baby.  But, if the Mayans are right, so be it.

My truest love

OK, I seem to have a new obsession.  Can you guess what it is?  One hint, the last SEVERAL blogs have been about it.  Yes, my little one.
I have never loved any one as much as I love her.  Not my mother, not my father, not my husband.  I am amazed by all the things she can do.  All the new things she discovers just blows me away. 
I knew this was the reason to have children.  I thought I would delight in what my children would learn.  I thought I would marvel at their development.  But, I never knew just how wonderful it would be.
Sure, there are some trying times.  There are those early days when you are sleep deprived, and all they seem to do is eat and sleep and cry.  Not fun.  The melt downs in the car after a long day when she is tired, hot, and hungry (who can blame her), or worse in the store, not fun.  Changing poopy diapers that make you gag with the smell.  Not fun.
Then, there are the other times.  The first time she smiled at me.  The first kiss to my husband.  The first time she stood, and crawled, and cruised.  Her first tooth.  Most of all, though, it is the development of her mind.  Her personality has just blossomed, along with her imagination.  Yes, I know she is still a baby, but, she made up a game tonight.  Along with this, comes her laugh.  That is my favorite thing.  You can't help but smile in response to that toothless grin.  The laughter, though, is not just infectious, but intoxicating!  I would go to just about any lengths to hear that laugh.  So sweet.  So pure.  So innocent.
Someday she'll be a teenager.  Someday she won't want to be seen with me.  Someday she might tell me she hates me. 
Until then, she is my one truest love.

I am amazed at how fast these little ones grow up!  The changes and growth is just astounding.  Sometimes I don't notice it because I am with her everyday, but then sometimes it is so profound it is hard not to notice.

Jorja is now crawling, standing, and cruising.  She is getting into everything, and a lot of fun.  She is babbling and saying a couple of words (we think her first word was cat and kitty).  She definitely has her own little personality.
I am a little sad that soon she will no longer be a baby.  I think about my age and think I should have another one NOW.  Convincing my husband, however will be a challenge.  It was hard enough with the first one, and he is not as smitten as I am.
I also think about how much harder it will be with two.  Right now it's pretty easy.  I can take her anywhere.  There is only one car seat, one kid to get ready, one kid to put to bed.  Easy.  Two it just that much more challenging.  How does one get groceries?  Or have time for yourself, for that matter?
And so, I follow my cycle and dream of more babies, but I haven't really done anything solid about having another one.  I guess you can never be sure.  I guess it is never easy.  But, if this one is any indication, it is so worth it.

First Kiss

My husband told me not that long ago that when our daughter was born he didn't really care for her, but now he likes her.  In fact, now, he loves her.  That's because she is so much more fun than she was when she was a little helpless infant.  She is learning new things everyday, and is so much more interactive.  She laughs and giggles (as you saw from my last post), babbles and points, claps, and crawls all over the place investigating things.  She was even chasing the cats today (although they quickly got away).
The clincher for my husband, however, was the other day.  For some reason, she decided that she didn't want go to sleep for a few days.  It was like she had anxiety about us leaving her in her crib alone.  She had been doing so well, going to bed without any "sleep crutches", and quietly drifting off on her own.  Suddenly, it was not the case and we were back to her crying again. 
Sometimes I can be the tough one, and sometimes not.  This particular night, I was the tough one.  I was willing to wait 10 minutes before I went up there again.  So, I busied myself with other things to keep myself from thinking about the wailing going on upstairs.  That night, though, my hubby just couldn't take it.  He went up there before the 10 minutes was up to see if he could calm her.  She still cried, but eventually went to sleep with him there.
When he came back downstairs, he had tears in his eyes!  I was so surprised.  He had never been upset with her crying before.  When I asked him if he was crying, he admitted he was, but that it wasn't what I thought.  He was happy!  What?!  Now, I was really confused.  He then told me that before she finally went to sleep, she leaned up and gave him a kiss!  Her first kiss ever!  Even I, the favorite, had not yet received a kiss!  My heart just melted.
So, now he knows that she loves him.  And, he loves her.  So special.  I am so happy that my two most favorite people in the whole world each knows how much the other cares for them.
Maybe this will help in the convincing to have another baby.  ;)

Giggles

OMG, the best sound in the world has to be babies laughing.  I absolutely LOVE it when our little monkey laughs, and I will do almost anything to hear it.  Sometime, though, I am totally surprised by what makes her laugh. 
The other night it was just me and her, Daddy was at work.  I was feeding her her last bottle of the night and must have grazed her belly.  She is ticklish!  She started to laugh.  So, I kept it up.  She was squealing and laughing as I was tickling her little belly.  Then, I started to tickle her toes.  That was also a hit!  More squealing and laughing ensued!
This is behavior you expect when a little one is older, but not from a baby.  At least, I didn't expect it.  It was so wonderful!  It makes the sleepless nights, and grumpy days all worth it!!

Potty training?

I don't mind changing diapers, but I think it's going to get old soon.  So, I am wondering, when can you start potty training?  I have heard horror stories of three year olds who are still not potty trained!  My baby still has soft, liquidy poops.  Imagine a three year old?!  I wouldn't want to be changing that!  I want to start potty training my daughter as soon as she can stand on her own.  Is that too early?  Could I even start training now?  I have also heard of something called Elimination Communication.  This is part of Attachment Parenting, of which I am a half-believer (i.e. I breast feed, baby wear, and attend to babies cries, for the most part), so I can only get on board with this part way as well.  Can the pooping over the toilet part help?
Again, just like all things baby, there is a TON of literature out there.  Why are babies, and kids in general, so hard to figure out?!

There are some things that having a baby definitely changes, like your body, and your relationship (see my last post).  I hoped, however, that not all things would change.  I hoped that the things that have made me, me would still be the same.  I hoped that my likes, dreams, and hopes would remain.  Yesterday, I realized that it is possible.
I went running yesterday.  Sure, that is no big deal.  I am training for another half marathon coming up very soon.  I have done them before.  But now, I have a running partner.  A tiny, sometimes fussy, always beautiful, running partner who prefers to be pushed in a stroller rather than run beside me.  Well, actually, she probably would run if she could, but she just can't, yet.
I have posted before about the comradery that happens with runners.  Now, trying to get my body back and get back into shape, I haven't seen that.  It seems I belonged to a different group.  One that had eluded me until now.  Until yesterday, anyway.
I was running along, pushing my baby, and passed a group of runners.  I silently wished I could be one of them again.  Running in a pack of adults, all with a common goal.  When they ran by, one of them asked me if I had a "motor" in my stroller.  When I replied that it was "just me", they all congratulated me and yelled well wishes my way.  Even though it was different, it felt really good.  Just like the old days when I would get a nod or wave or encouraging comment from a fellow runner on the trail. 
Although I've gone from being a gal training for my first marathon to help get a killer bod, to a gal training for a marathon to get my bod back.  Things have changed, but are still the same, only now I have a little cheering squad.  Emphasis on little! 

bonded?

Kids change a relationship.  People always told me it would, but I didn't believe them.  They also said that about getting married, and that wasn't true.  My relationship didn't change much at all from before I was married until after.  But, it did change after the arrival of our first child.
At first, it made me love my husband so much more.  We bonded when I was pregnant, and in the first few weeks as we marveled at our new tiny bundle of joy.  She was so tiny, so helpless, and we were clueless, so we bonded together and supported one another.
Then when we had to face real life again, and my husband went back to work, our relationship changed again.  This time, however, not for the better.  We began to resent each other.  It was hard.  He resented that I wasn't working, and I resented his resentment.  Not to mention that I felt like he wasn't helping out anymore.
Then, I went back to work.  At first it was just one day a week, but that really helped.  I felt like I was contributing, and so did he.
Now, our baby is growing and changing.  She is fast becoming a person with a personality all of her own.  Her laughter and talking bring us both joy, and now we are bonding again.  We laughed together the first time we fed her and she mushed her fingers in some avacadoe, and it was all over her face.  We gushed at each other the first time she rolled over.  With each new milestone, we bond again.
Sure, there are still times when we fight, argue, and resent each other.  We fight about two things - money and the baby.  But, in the end, she was made with love.  Our love.  I can only hope and pray that we will be able to love so much more that she will have a sibling some day!

6 months

 I can't believe it has been 6 months with my little one already.  She has gone from a little baby that didn't do anything to a little angel full of energy and laughter!  So many changes with rolling over, cooing, babbling, smiling, laughing, and ever growing!  Here are some of my favorites to document our journey:

 Funny shirts.

First smiles

 First vacation to Scottsdale.

 First time swimming (she loved it!)!

 Meeting Great grandparents for the first time.

 First Mother's day all together.

 Great grandma's 95th birthday.

Pretty dress in first wedding. (with Anutie)

Rolling over, playing with toys, and looking so beautiful!!

Protection forever

I'm sitting here tonight looking at nanny websites. As my Mat leave comes to an end, we need to start thinking about child care. We are on a waiting list for Day Care, but it doesn't come available for almost a year (Feb. 2013). So, between then and now we need to figure something out. I read all these profiles of these young girls and wonder if I could really leave my daughter with one of them? How an I possibly trust someone enough for that? It was hard enough to leave her with y mom on that first day a month and a half ago. But, it was my MOM, of course I trust her. You hear these stories of orrible things happening to kids. Would I ever forgive myself if I left her with someone and something happened? Is work really that important? I wish I could convince my husband to ave a live-in annoy. At least there would be motivation to do a good job, r they would get sent hoe. Also, the agencies for that seem top notch. If a nanny doesn't work out, I hear you just Mae a phone call, and they're gone! I wsh one og our parents would be willing to look after her long term. I wouldn't hae to worry then. And then, when the Day Care spot opened up she would be older, and it's accredited, with accountability ... But I can't expect that. They ave their own lives. I wsh this was easier. I guess it isn't because she is the most important reason in my life whom I love to bits. I wouldn't just trust her with just anyone. Ultimately I will have to put my trust in someone, my faith in society. I just wish she was older before I had to do that. But, I suppose we can't protect them forever... But I sure wish I could.

breast and bottle

Breastfeeding has become a hot topic in the last while.  First, in Australia an add was taken off the air after a dad was bottle feeding his infant stating that was the reason he didn't smoke.  A good message:  He doesn't smoke because of his little one.  But the La Leche League freaked and forced it off air saying it didn't give a good message because he was bottle feeding. 
Then, the opposite when Time Magazine released its recent front cover with a model on it breast feeding her 4 year old son.  The controversy over that was EVERYWHERE, from Facebook to talk shows. 
I take a different stance on this issue.  A stance that I have maintained since the beginning.  You need to do what is right for you and your family. 
Do I bottle feed?  Yes.  Do I breast feed?  Yes.  Do I think one is better than the other, or worse?  HHmmmmm, that was is a bit difficult.  We all know breast is best, but let's be realistic here.  It doesn't always work.  If it was that easy or instinctual, there wouldn't be 100 books written about it, and the formula guys would be out of a job.
When my daughter was jaundiced she wouldn't breastfeed.  She was just too sleepy.  But, the only way to get rid of the jaundice (without having to stay longer in hospital and be under the UV lights) was to get her to eat and poop it out, and so that meant bottle feeding.  But we didn't give up.  I pumped and we gave her that, we bottle fed her formula, and we worked at the breast feeding.  Suddenly, just after 4 weeks of age, she figured out the whole breastfeeding thing.  It was glorious!  But that didn't mean that we stopped the bottle feeding.  No, we continue to do both.  Bottle feeding allows my husband to be involved and has allowed him to become bonded with our daughter.  Breast feeding allows her to get the best nutrition that I can give her, and helped us bond as well.  Bottle feeding allowed me to go back to work early at 3 months, and have my mom come in to look after her.  Breast feeding helped her to not get the gastroenteritis that I got because she received my antibodies.  There really are benefits to doing both.  It is a nice compromise.
The biggest issue here is how people make other people feel about their decisions.  The La Lechers are too lung up on exclusively breast feeding.  We need to be realistic.  If you can breast feed, great.  If you need to supplement, fine.  If you can't breast feed and only bottle feed, great.  In the end, if your baby is healthy and growing, who cares?  People just need to relax a bit.

Bad mother?

I am debating something, and the answer is not clear. I love my job. I am proud of what I have accomplished and where I have come so far. And, I miss it.
I also love my daughter. She is an absolute miracle and gift, and I cherish the time we are spending together. I am fascinated by her development in such a short amount of time. There is, unfortunately, a but....
I feel isolated, and let's be honest, a bit bored. When I have something to do during the day, like an appointment, a friend coming over, getting groceries, etc., it can take up the whole day. But, when I don't I end up spending a lot of time in front of the TV. Jorja still sleeps a lot, and when she does, in my arms, I watch TV (I can't sleep during the day). We try to go for a walk during the day, or sometimes I work out when she is sleeping, but it doesn't seem like enough. I look forward to when her dad comes home so I can have someone to talk to, but then, I don't have anything to talk about, other than what she has done during the day. I could go out, but then I would just end up spending money. Which, at this point, is not a good thing, when last month neither of us made any money (both being on leave).
So, I have been thinking about going back to work one day a week. This would give me a chance to have some adult conversation and keep up my skills. In addition, it would probably make me appreciate the time I have with Jorja that much more.
Does this make me a bad mother? Should I not want to go back to work? I just don't know how stay at home moms do it. Maybe they are better people than I am. Maybe they are more imaginative and creative on how they spend their time. Maybe they know better ways of stimulating their newborns than I do. I thought a half day to one day a week might just be enough to whet my appetite, but I just don't know. Can I have it all?

6 weeks

I can't believe how time flies. It has been six weeks since the birth of my first child. Jorja is growing like a weed, as they say. She has already gained 2 lbs (over a kilo, actually) and 5 cm (2 inches) in length. She has a cute little pot belly and is starting to have a bit of a personality.
Pregnancy was somewhat as I expected, although different when you are actually the one experiencing it. Labour and delivery was nothing like I expected it - some things were better (like how bad the contractions were (not so bad), and how good the epidural worked), and some things were worse (like needing a section, having a really high block with local anesthetic toxicity, and the side effects of the morphine). My recovery, however, was better than I expected. I bounced back quick and by 4 weeks was working out, and by 6 weeks doing my prepregnancy workout and abs.
Motherhood was nothing like I expected, either. OK, I expected sleep deprivation, and at the beginning I was surprised at how much this knocked me on my ass. I mean, I do call all the time and am used to staying up all night, but not EVERY night. To tell you the truth, the hospital was the worst. The first night (after labouring all night the night before), they came in every hour to check if I was breathing (really?!) and every second hour to feed, and then the second night Jorja was awake every hour to two to feed. So, it was 3 days before I had more than about an hour of good sleep. Once I got home, my hubby and I figured out a system that worked for us, and I actually got some sleep.
I didn't expect how much I would love this little person. She truly is a gift from heaven. Yes, there are times when I want to throw her in a snowbank, but for most part I love her to bits. I think she is SO beautiful. I love dressing her up like a little doll. I love hanging out with her. And having her in our lives has made me love my husband that much more. There is nothing sexier than seeing my husband cuddled up with our baby. She just loves him. Sometimes, he is the only one who can make her stop crying. We really are a little family, and a great team.
So, I knew I wanted to do this, but now I'm glad. I had my misgivings before she came along - would I be a good mom? Would I know what to do? I still have those thoughts, but I am learning to take it one day at a time and learn with her as we go and grow together. Yes, the sleep deprivation and flabby body are worth it.

She has arrived!!

Please welcome Jorja Marlene Maslany! Born Jan. 23 at 1240 weighing in at 3. 18kg and 49cm long. She has a ton of blond hair, and at this point blue eyes! Pretty different from her parents who have brown hair and either green or brown eyes. Luckily, she has enough features of us that we are sure we took the correct baby home, haha.
As much as labour and delivery was NOT how we wanted it to go at all (emergency csection after 2.5 hours of pushing, and toxic doses of local anesthetic), and breastfeeding is a bust, we love our little monkey to pieces! She is so beautiful and the light of our lives.
My hubby is amazing as well. So loving, so caring, so great. He has really taken to fatherhood. In fact, so much so that he was sad today when I wouldn't let him feed her. He has also sang her her first lullaby - a German march song (translated as "The Tank Song"). She loves it!

Belly photos - last set

This is 37 weeks. Not too much longer to go!




39 weeks! I was very fortunate to not get any stretch marks during my pregnancy, so my belly is still quite nice. Now, just the waiting.....

On her own terms

I have made a big decision. OK, not that big. I was trying all these different things to get baby to come: Red Raspberry Leaf tea, pineapple, bouncing on a yoga ball, evening primrose oil, spicy food.... None of it has worked. I am sick of the tea and everything else. So, I have decided to let her come on her own terms. Really, let's be realistic. That is what is going to happen anyway.
I shouldn't be rushing this, I guess. You really have a short period of time to enjoy your pregnancy. And, unless you are the Duggers, you aren't going to be pregnant every year and have 19 kids (Yuck). So, you should try to enjoy it. And I have. I have had such a good pregnancy. I really can't complain. No complications, no problems. I am still fairly small, haven't gained too much weight, and don't even have stretch marks!
But, it is getting to be enough. Today at work I felt just awful. I was short of breath even just sitting there. Then, I had belly pains, gas and bloating. Not to mention her stretching into my liver and giving me gallbladder pains. So, I am not enjoying everything. And, I do wish she would come. But, I am still not going to do anything about it. She will come eventually. In the meantime, I have some projects and work to keep me busy. Only 9 days until my due date. The countdown is on. Now, if she will just listen and not go postdates!

sleep?

It seems like all I have done during this pregnancy is worry. In the beginning it was: Is there two? Is she OK? Is there an anomaly? Then, it was: Is she growing enough? Is she OK?
Now, it's: What will labour be like? Will I be OK? What will it be like at home with her? Will I be a good mom? How will we cope?
Does it ever get better/easier? Do you ever stop worrying? I am thinking not. I am an adult (who will not reveal her age), and I know my parents still worry about me. I guess it is just something I will have to get used to.
Unfortunately, it is affecting my sleep. That, and my constantly stuff nose (although I don't have a cold). Being unable to breathe, and unable to turn my brain off, makes for very few hours of ZZZzzs. It would be nice to have a nap some days, which I do some days, but I am still working, so most days not. Alas.
Now that I am 38 weeks, I am starting to really want to meet this little girl. There are all these old wives tales about bringing on labour, but I don't actually think anything works. I think I am just destined to wait. As long as she is still OK, I should be happy right?
Well, I will post more belly pics and baby pics hopefully soon!!