Belly photos - set 4

Well, I am getting closer and closer to the end of this pregnancy. There are only a few short weeks left. It has gone by so fast! I may have one more set of photos, or not, I guess we'll see!
This is 33 weeks. I have finally developed a little basketball. She is a wiggly little worm in there!



This is 35 weeks. People are commenting now on my belly. Some say, "Wow, look at your belly!", and to that I say, "it should be big, there is only 5 weeks or less left!". Some comment on how small I still am, and to that I say, "She is measuring perfect!". Everyone has some comment.
I think she is running out of room in there. She expresses her protest by kicking me in the ribs and pressing on my gallbladder giving me pain! She is still a wiggly worm. Her and my hubby have a new game where he tickles her feet (once he asks me if that is what he is feeling), and she kicks him back! I just laugh through all this.
Peanut still does not have an actual name, but she sure managed to get the loot this Christmas. Everything from clothes to toys and books to her very first "Tiffany's" ornament! She is spoiled already!


I am hoping that as my life changes yet again, I will be able to document some of the new challenges and adventures! See you in the New Year!

ghost of christmas future

Merry Christmas, everyone!!
This year will be VASTLY different than next year. This year, my husband and I worked on Christmas Day (today). I am only emergency call-back, and am hoping to not have to come in, but he is Labour and Birth and has to be there all day. We went to my parent's house yesterday, and to the in-laws tomorrow. It was quiet, with only adults. The only hint of something different to come were the presents addressed to "Daddy" and "Mommy" with baby gifts inside.
Next year will be SO different, I can only imagine. Santa will visit, there will be much merriment and laughter, and a little bit of chaos and disarray! I think it will be great! "Baby Maslany" will be almost a year old. Sure she won't remember, or really get it, but it will still be fabulous.
So, this year, we have a quiet time, and look forward to what awaits us next year.
Cheers, and Merry Christmas!

Child care woes

I can't believe what this blog has become. It really reflects how all encompassing being pregnant is, at least for me. I am SO happy I didn't try to attempt this while in residency. I just wouldn't have been able to focus. Good job to those who did, but not me! And, waiting gave my hubby and I a chance to have some fun and do some traveling without kids.
Now, however, I have concerns that I never thought I would have before we got pregnant: Child care. A friend of mine said that I should have put my name on a waiting list for Day Cares MONTHS ago. What?! This kid isn't even born yet! I thought, surely not in Saskatchewan. Our population is not that big, it can't be that bad. Well, clearly I am wrong. I found a fantastic Day Care yesterday that will take a child as young as I want, and they have a wait list - over a YEAR!
So, now I am freaked. How does one find childcare? Do you go the nanny route? And if so, live-in or live-out? Do you go the Day Care route? Or do you bite the bullet and be a stay-at-home parent? The last, I have to admit, is the least pallatable. I didn't go to school for 14 years to spend my time at home. So, if you decide one way, how do you go about setting it up? How do you find someone you trust to leave your child with? There are a lot of crazies out there.
I am hoping we will be lucky and find something suitable. We do have 7 months to find something, so cross your fingers!!

Murphy's Law

Who is this Murphy guy? And why is his law always right?
So, in my last post we had set the date for my section. I was fine with that. Or I thought I was. I awoke early this morning feeling anxious and worrying about things, like the section. In response, Peanut was a ball of wiggles and movements.
Later today I had an ultrasound to confirm her position and take measurements to make sure everything is OK. Well, everything is perfect. She is measuring perfect and right to the date. And, head down!!! So, maybe what was me waking up and being anxious was actually her waking me up getting into position!
Anyway, I've cancelled the section and now await her arrival. I'm hoping she listens to the talk we had and comes just a little early. ;)

date is set

Peanut is not behaving. She is upside down, still. I have an Ultrasound coming up to confirm this, but according to my OB and myself (I would have felt it if she moved) she is still breech. So, rather than wait around, we have tentatively booked the date for my C-section. I wanted it a bit earlier, but it seems like there are a lot of babies being born by section in January.
She could still turn. And then, I will have a decision to make. Do I have a purely elective section? Or, do I do things the natural way?
And, I could go into labour before hand. Then, I would be at the mercy of whomever is on call for OB and Anesthesia.
I am completely out of control here, and being an anal-retentive Type A personality who does a job where control is of the upmost importance, it is not easy. I just have to let go and trust in what will happen, and that the people looking after me will do a great job. I'm sure they will.
Pregnancy is a lot about relinquishing control. You have no control over when you get pregnant, what sex the baby is, what direction they will be in, how much they'll weigh, or when they will come. The only thing you have control over is their name, and we can't decide on that, lol. I guess for someone like me, it is a good experience to not have control all the time. For now, someone else is, and she doesn't have a name yet.

Belly photos - set 3

Because of our trip to AZ, I didn't post for awhile. This is 28 weeks. See if you can tell?
This is now 30 weeks. Only 10 more weeks to go (or hopefully less)!!!
I think I have quite the bump now. ;) Soon, whe the nursery is finished, I will take pics of that too.

Little Girl

Little girl, I dream of you.
What will you look like?
What will you act like?
Who will you aspire to be like?

Little girl, I dream of you.
All the moments we will share.
All the memories we will make.
All the fun we will have.

Little girl, I dream of you.
Little dresses full of lace.
Little ribbons in your hair.
Little dresses and tiny shoes.

Little girl, I dream of you.
Cheering as you graduate.
Glowing at your wedding.
Crying when you have your first baby.

Little girl, I dream of you,
and can't wait to meet you.

worry-wort parent?

I think I am a worry-wort. First, I was worried about the pregnancy. You hear so many horror stories, and people at the beginning said some awful things, so I didn't know what to expect. Then, I was worried about the baby. Would there be something wrong? Would I be able to carry to term? What about all the stuff you can't test for? Well, the last two I still worry about, but the other stuff passed and was OK.
Now, I am worried about being a parent. What if I can't handle it? What if I suck? What if my baby has colic and I am unable to cope? What if my baby never sleeps? What if we can't find childcare? What if there IS something wrong with her? How will I know what to do? What she needs?
I guess everyone feels like this, and it probably doesn't get better when you first meet them. Then, it is probably worse for a bit. Like, "holy shit, what have we gotten ourselves into?"
You hope that you have a great support network that might be able to help you and give you good advice. You hope your loved ones, and those who have been through this will be able to shed some light and lend a helping hand, but in the end it is you who has to deal with things and learn to cope. After all, it is your baby, and your life choice.
I read somewhere that if you are worried you won't be a good parent, that already points to the fact that you probably WILL be a good parent (really bad parents wouldn't care). I just wish kids came with an instruction manual or something and you could take a test before they were born. Then, if you didn't pass (with flying colours) you weren't ready to have a baby and you should just wait. Some people have even suggested licenses for becoming parents, but that is a whole other issue (and blog!).
I have armed myself with literature and websites. I will attempt to control the things I can (like having the nursery ready, and maybe the house baby-proofed). As a control-freak, though, it is hard to let go of all the other stuff.
I worried about all the other things in my life (school, work, relationships), so I guess it is only natural to worry about this. They all turned out, so hopefully this will too.

the amazing pregnancy

I am still amazed by this whole pregnancy thing. Sure, I see a gradual change in my body (bigger boobs, growing belly), but sometimes it is easy to forget WHY these changes are happening.
I was sitting in the tub today looking at my belly. A few minutes later, I could see all this movement going on! Almost like the belly of the people in "Aliens" my belly contorted and rippled with the life beneath it. So cool to see, and so cool to feel. My husband thinks it's cool too. Sometimes he grabs my belly and jostles it saying "wake up!". I was delighted when he giggled as she responded by moving around.
The whole process is just amazing. Think about it. Two "halves" of genetic material join together to make a single cell. Then the DNA tells the cell what to do and what to make. It divides again and again and again turning into a blastocyst, and then an embryo that resembles a tadpole. Finally by week 10 it is actually a fetus in which all the precursors of all the organs are formed. From then on it is all about refining those organ systems, and growing into a full term baby.
Sorry about the science lesson, but as I said, I am fascinated. I took and embryology class in my undergrad degree and then again in Medical School, so I remember a lot of the details.
I have been very blessed with this pregnancy. Oh sure, I was sick at the beginning, and really tired, but that passed. Everyone says how great the second trimester is, and they are right. I felt good. Now that I have made the transition to the third trimester I am expecting a few more bumps, but so far so good.
Now, I just need to get completely organized and ready to meet this little peanut!!

Arizona oct. 2011

Lake Pleasant. Only 30 minutes away from Scottsdale. You can rent boats and kayaks and seadoos. We didn't go any of that, but it was still beautiful!


Montezuma's castle. Some native american ruins that are built into the mountain. So cool!

Hockey fun with Jurgen and my friend Stacey (Holly). The Jets lost, but is was still super fun!

A mountain/desert hike the morning before the game.

Our amazing view from our deck!!

Sedona. What can I say? So gorgeous.

Rain falling

The rain falls like tears
flowing like a river down the street.
Washing everything, cleaning, healing.
Inside it is dry and warm.
Outside it is fresh.
The grey sky an echo of my heart.
Sometimes I like the rain
because then no one
can see me cry.

Belly photos - set 2

Week 21 (more than half way!).

Week 23 (almost 6 months!).

fall bliss

I love fall, especially the fall we have been having. The weather is hot during the day, but not sweltering, and cool enough at night that you can open your windows and not turn on the A/C. And, NO bugs (well, at least no misquitoes anyway)!
The colours this time of year are incredible as well! We were at the lake a couple of weeks ago doing some work, and I couldn't help exclaiming just how gorgeous it was! With the leaves all turning colours in yellows, oranges, browns, and greens against the green-gold of the hillsides, and the blue-green of the water - breathtaking! Not to mention the sunsets this time of year: Firey reds and oranges, pinks and purples against the backdrop of the gold of freshly harvested fields. Yep, this is definitely my favorite time of year.
I have been siting outside with my kitties for the last hour just soaking up the sun, listening to the sounds of nature - Rustling leaves, the chirp of crickets, the occasional tweet from a bird, and far off in the distance the yelp of a coyote. It is so peaceful out here! I would never move back into the city.
The kitties love it too. As long as they stay in the back yard (keep in mind the coyotes that I mentioned) they are free to roam around as long as they want. Our yard is pretty big, so I am pretty sure that is enough. Seven loves to sit by the fence and watch the birds and eat the grass. Stupe loves to try and catch the butterflies that flutter past. They are both pretty good hunters, too, considering they are mainly house cats. Seven is better at it then Stupe, but they have both caught stuff (which makes a Mama proud!).
Someday soon, we will have another set of feet running around in the backyard exploring all the goodness of nature. I can't wait to share that with little Peanut!!

Together We Stand

I just reread my last post. It was a bit depressing.
Luckily, some sleep, exercise, and time off goes a long way. We spent yesterday early evening setting up the nursery. Sure, it isn't very exciting yet, but it was a start. We put together the crib (from Ikea) and dresser. AND, there wasn't any profanity, and our marriage is still just fine, LOL! It is really starting to look like a nursery.
My hubby is back to rubbing my belly and telling me how cute it is.
I am sure there will be some scary and tumultuous times ahead, but together we can face anything.

buiders and babies

My husband is feeling very overwhelmed. I can't say as I really blame him. We went to Calgary recently for some shopping. We are building a cabin at the lake and our builders are there, so we went to pick stuff out. I thought we did a great job. We definitely know what we like, so it was pretty easy. We would ask them to give us an economical option (it is a cabin, afterall), and we would pick something from there. We started with the tile, which we are putting everywhere, and then built out from there. Our builder was really impressed with how much we accomplished in one day. So much so, that they didn't feel the need to meet with us again. Admittedly, we are still waiting on the blueprints, and contract, but I felt so much better after picking everything so that when they get started, they can just go.
Then, the next two days we spent getting baby stuff. First we went to this really great mall just outside of Calgary. If I wasn't pregnant, I could have done some serious spending damage - clothes, shoes, accessories, etc., but since I am, I really don't see the point in spending money on stuff that isn't baby related at this point (or house related). As my hubby says, "we are on an austerity program!" So, the day was spent buying maternity clothes (a bit depressing), and looking at strollers, which we eventually bought. Then, it was off to get a playpen, crib, dresser, crib tent (to prevent the cats from getting in), and some clothes.
When we dropped over $500 in one store on baby stuff (and I thought that was nothing), he started to loose it. He started to get really overwhelmed. And, my reaction wasn't very good. I got really offended and took it as if he wasn't interested in the baby and was really regretting our decision. I don't think that's it. I think he is just overwhelmed. At the end of the weekend, he asked me if we could please not talk about babies or baby stuff anymore.
I try not to be offended with stuff like that, and I shouldn't be. I think it is very different for us. Afterall, this is not happening directly to him like it is to me. I mean, he wasn't nauseated. He isn't getting big. He doesn't have cramps and worry that it is something bad all the time. So, for him, it is not quite real.
Some of the worries are the same for both of us. Sometimes I mourn what I know we are giving up: dinners out at the drop of a hat, sleeping in on weekends, sleep period, loud tv watching, independence and alone time, travelling (for me this is a big one). I keep saying to him that everyone says it is so worth it, and they wouldn't give it up for anything. If everyone who has kids says this (recognizing that sometimes your kids drive you crazy), why wouldn't it be true? It isn't like someone pulls you aside after the birth of your child, and tells you that now you are part of a special club that holds a conspiracy against all those people who don't have kids and are thinking about having them. You MUST tell them how good it is. You CANNOT tell them how much it sucks. That just doesn't seem likely.
At the same time, I am realistic. As I said, I know what we are giving up. I also have some idea of how hard the first little bit will be. I am sure that at some point I may even for a moment regret our decision (after nights of not sleeping and changing the 6th diaper in a short period of time), but I have to believe it will all be worth it in the end.
Maybe it isn't just my hubby that is feeling a little overwhelmed.

Belly phots - set 1

This is me at 17 weeks, side view. I think at this point I just look like I have a pot belly.

This is 17 weeks again, front view. Not a very flattering view, honestly.


This is me at 19 weeks. Surprising, but you can see a difference between the two photos. Maybe starting to look more like a preggie belly than pot.


19 weeks from the front. Still not flattering.


My hubby teases me about my belly, so I thought I would take a pic to compare. This is HIS belly at 19 weeks!!



And, HIS belly from the front! I think my belly is nicer, haha! Even looks like he has a bit of Linea Nigra there. ;) Who is laughing now?! I still think he is cute, though.

Nightmares and Mess

I am not in as good of an emotional place as I was with the last blog, unfortunately. I am feeling a little lost, overwhelmed, and sad.
It all started yesterday. We were having two families over for dinner. That's two couples with each of their two kids. In total, I was cooking and cleaning for 10 people, which is something I usually only have to do once a year (Christmas). And, I am nothing if not anal retentive, so I was cleaning and preparing all day for this. I purged a little bit of stuff along the way (which I have been wanting to do). It was a lovely evening, but I was stressed all night. I kept worrying that the kids were going to wreck something in the house. It bothered me that one kid kept his shoes on and walked around the house all night (God, I hate that. When ANYONE does that. It is so american). It bothered me that there were cupcake crumbs in a "breadtrail" all the way from the kitchen to downstairs where they were watching a movie. It bothered me that at one point one of the little girls was jumping on the couch and then vaulted herself into the air landing only inches from our glass coffee table, and no one seemed to care but me.
Then, early this morning I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that I had lost the baby at 21 weeks (I am 19 weeks now). I was sad in the dream, but also happy that I had my body back. WTF?!
So, what does all this mean?! My hubby proudly said to me last night that he had coped better with the kids than I did, and I might have a worse time of it than him when we have ours. Awesome. Yeah, like I wasn't already thinking that. I reminded him that I never grew up with kids. I was the youngest in my family and did not even have any younger cousins, so this will be all new. I can handle our mess, and probably the mess of a baby, but others' messes not so much.
Am I destined to be a horrible mother? Will I be one of those controlling freaks who never let their kids do anything? Will I end up regretting this amazing decision? Am I in love with the idea, but not the reality? Today, I just feel disillusioned, sad and worried. Maybe it is all fine, and I just had too much sugar last night.

The good and the bad

There are lots of changes that occur during pregnancy. Some of them are not very nice, and most people won't talk about them. Things like nausea (thank God for Diclectin), constipation, and gas. I did, however, find a book that I would recommend to everyone who gets pregnant for the first time that goes over everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. It is called "Taboo Secrets of Prenancy" and it is written by this sassy gal who is not afraid to tell it like it is. I laughed so hard that I thought I might pee my pants! Luckily, I haven't had problems with that yet! :) I think it is because of these bad things that a lot of women really don't like being pregnant.
Luckily, pregnancy is not all bad (if it was, who would do it again?). For one thing, there is a really great prize at the end! There are some really wonderful things that happen as well. Things like hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time in your OBs's office, seeing that miraculous baby via ultrasound (that one was really amazing. It totally hits home that there is a LIFE growing inside of you, a little person!), and feeling the baby move for the first time. Not to mention all of the great girly stuff that gets to happen, like buying furniture, shopping for clothes, and picking out names. The one thing, though, that stands above all the rest for really wonderful things that happen in pregnancy is the closeness between partners. Sure, this doesn't always happen, but I have been very lucky. People say this is a very stressful time, but it has really brought us closer as a couple. I am more in love with my husband now than I ever was before. When I saw the baby on ultrasound and knew everything was OK for the first time, I cried. Not just because of that, but also because I was carrying a little piece of our love inside me! My hubby touches my tummy (he's the only one I allow), talks to the baby, and makes funny jokes all the time. I just glow with happiness everytime I see him give me that special little smile when he thinks how cute I look. I love him so much! I can't wait to meet this little peanut and show them how much they are loved by their mom and dad who love each other so much. One big family of love!!

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Warning: The following blog contains venting and profanity.

WHY are people so mean? Or Stupid? Or Both?! Seriously people, didn't your mother teach you any manners? You know the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!" So, what does that mean? If you can't come up with something actually helpful, useful, or nice, then shut the F$%K up!
OK, what am I ranting about? Pregnant ladies are sensitive. But regardless, don't say these things. Don't tell me how long or how much your labour hurt (everyone is different, and no one wants to know that)! Don't tell me that you will laugh when I am labour and think I will scream like a banshee (bitch)! Don't tell me how THIN you were when you were pregnant and no one knew you were even pregnant (read this with sarcasm)(bitch). Or, how you didn't even need to buy maternity clothes (maybe you were already fat?)! Don't tell me that I should get used to annoying sounds because I will be wishing for those sounds in a couple of months (so my life is going to suck after kids, nice)!
Why would you say any of those things? Shouldn't you say how much you loved being pregnant, how thin and great the new pregnant lady looks, how you labour was easy and hope mine is the same, and how much you love your children? Yes, say that, or just be quiet.
I have always said to people exactly what I would want to hear. I just don't see the point of being mean. I am much more positive than that. I guess my Mama did teach me manners.

Ultrasound

We had our anatomical scan today. This was the first of 3 Ultrasounds that my husband was able to attend. The Tech was really awesome. We told her that we were both Anesthesiologists, and so when my hubby had questions she was able to answer them and didn't dumb it down for us. I am such a visual person that this was great! Even though I am not a sonographer, it is pretty easy at this stage to see all the important stuff - heart, brain, stomach, belly, all four limbs, all 10 toes and fingers! She told us everything looked great. Not only that, but the radiologist was kind enough (as a professional courtesy) to briefly go over the scan with us! That really made hubby feel better! He did, however, say that they would like to get a better look at babe's heart because we came a bit early (17wk5d because my MSS triple screen was borderline), and it is actually easier to see stuff later on. That is no problem with me - I love seeing the ultrasounds! Little peanut was so wiggly this time, she actually had a tough time getting some of the views! Haha! That was super cute to see! All of this is so exciting. I think now, finally, we can start to relax and maybe even buy some stuff!!

The Cat is Out of the Bag

Last week I was "outed" by one of the nurses that I work with. I was keeping a secret for quite awhile now, but I guess things like this can only be secrets for so long.
I'm pregnant, for the first time ever. So, now, unlike my previous blogs about work or play, a lot of them will have this as the focus. It is a wonderous, strange, scary, exciting time in my husband and my life. Not only is my body changing, but our lives will soon change as well.
So, I am going to document the changes as they occur. Belly photos, baby photos, things I love, and even complaints, will all be revealed.
I will admit, in my previous blog I talked about how "my cats are better than kids", but this was in response to a world that I was living in that seemed to tell me that I wasn't worth the same as someone with kids (I didn't deserve the same vacation time, or breaks as them). I have grown a lot since then. I still feel that people without kids deserve the same as those without, but that doesn't mean that I can't now experience this wonder for myself. In the end, there were so many reasons to have kids and experience the joy that comes with them, that we had to do it (although truthfully, I was much more convinced than my hubby)!
Right now, as I write, I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. This makes me due in late January. So, stay tuned for all the crazy changes to come!

Doing nothing

Sometimes it is nice to just do nothing. OK, not like lay in bed and hide, nothing, but not work and not have a care in the world. My husband and I didn't get much in the way of vacation time this summer. In fact, we got a whole 5 days. I was pretty bitter. Others in our department got 3 weeks or even a month off! I guess it is partially my fault. I applied for vaca way to late. Now, I know for next time. Regardless of what our schedullor says, apply months in advance.
Enough whining.
So, our 5 days off we didn't go anywhere. We just had a "staycation", and it was lovely. Days filled with reading, sunning, maybe going to the lake if we felt like it, and hot tubing (although we turned it cold because it was SO hot those days). Then, back to work for a day, and then a weekend of also doing nothing. Today, I worked out, ate very healthily, had a long luxurious bath, and now am here on the interweb. So lovely to not have a care. Oh sure, I could be doing some other projects like my grand rounds presentation, like working on Phase C or Phase D stuff, but I just didn't feel like it. I may decide to go grocery shopping for just a few things, and maybe stop in a store or two to browse, or not. Either way, it will be relaxing and lovely.
Sometimes you just need to treat yourself. Sometimes you just need to do nothing.

Lesser of Two Evils

You've heard the saying: choosing between the lesser of two evils. Sometimes, it is not that easy. Both of the choices are evil, or not good. So, then what do you do? I am a talker. So, I talk to a bunch of different people and get there opionions. Let's be honest. Sometimes I do this because I just want to hear that I am not crazy and that someone else thinks what I want to do is OK, just to get reassurance. It is much harder to do this when it is a controversial subject. People have very strong feelings, that just might not jive with your own. So, I still talk and ask, but I don't find it that helpful. Especially, when the person I love the most thinks differently than me, but is willing to do whatever I want (also not helpful). I don't know. It is just so hard. Not to mention that the outcomes aren't even certain. Evil number one COULD happen, but so evil number two COULD also happen if I make that choice, but nothing is set in stone. It is all about statistics. A number game. And, sometimes numbers lie.

Come on! Just one more!

I love to travel. It has always been me dream to visit new places, see exotic things, and have new experiences. I thought that by working really hard, and getting a great job, I would be able to afford to do this. It turns out that being able to afford something doesn't always mean one is able to. The problem is my husband.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, more than anything. I used to think that this love for travel was something we shared. We certainly have been a lot of places together. But, apparently he "hates travelling". I don't think that is entirely true. He hates spending money, he hates waiting in lines, he hates being squished in with a bunch of people he doesn't know nor care to know. OK, I get that. No one likes that, but it is the price you pay when you want to travel somewhere.

It is starting (or maybe continuing) to become a problem in our relationship. Every time I want to go somewhere I feel like I have to go on a marathon 6 month fight to get him to agree. So, I have said to him on numerous occasions that I am happy to travel alone. For example, I went to Vegas with just the Anesthesia girls, and it was a blast!! There is also a conference in Chicago that I want to go to and would be happy to attend again with those girls. But this is not good enough. He doesn't want to be left at home, by himself, to work. Well, make up your mind!!

In the end, he always has a great time when we go anywhere. He likes the same things that I do, for the most part, so I really don't understand it. Why is it always a fight?

He says that I "get my way to much", that I "make no sacrifices", that I should "learn to suffer or go without". I say, I worked really hard to get where I am, and I work hard now, so I should be able to enjoy life now while I am young, especially before we have kids (because we all know what happens then - you just can't travel like you did before).

So, I don't know what to do. Do I keep fighting in the hopes that I win? Do I just go without him (even though he is my best friend, and I love to spend time with him, which is why I want him to come)? Or do I accept defeat and lay over and play dead like a dog? None of those sound very appetizing.

Dear hitchhiker

Dear Hitchhiker,

I saw you, you and your dog, on my way home from work. I thought, "Sorry, dude, I am not going that far, there is no way I could take you to Montreal, let alone Winnipeg". You looked tired, and maybe dirty, but I didn't give it another thought. I went home, and sat outside in the heat.

Then, I saw you again, on my way back in. Lying on the ground. Your ever faithful dog sitting near you, protecting you. And, I saw the cops coming to you. This time I felt sad. Sad that it had come to this for you. Sad that you didn't have the money for a bus ticket or hotel room.

When the ambulance was not that far behind, that was when it hit me. It was so hot outside. You and your dog probably don't have any water. It would be easy to overheat in this weather.

What happened to you? I don't know. I can only hope good things for you. I can only hope you were taken to hospital, and made better. Cleaned up, and given something to eat. I hope that your dog, ever faithful, was also taken care of, but left with you and not taken. I wish I could have done more for you. Given you a ride, or money, but I didn't.

People think I'm crazy when I see the kids on the street begging for money, and give them a five or something. But maybe, just maybe it could prevent sadness like this.

Please, let this be a prayer for you, and others out there down on there luck. I pray that you are safe, and healthy. I pray you find you way home. That you, and your dog, make it there just fine.
And next time, may I have the courage to help out, if only just a little.

I wanted to say thank you as well

My highschool Drama teacher retired the other day. There was a variety show held in his honour. After almost 40 years at A. E. Peacock, there were many students who wanted to showcase their talents. From singers, to dancers, to actors, to comedy acts. I, unlike my highschool years, sat in the audience and watched, marvelling at the talent this school has seen.
I remember highschool so well. I have to say, I loved every minute of it! It was there that I began to form who I am today. And, Lyle, you had a large part in that. I learned about committment, and hard work. I learned about dealing with stress while having fun, and how to leave your nerves at the door. I learned what being in a team is all about.
So, I may not be an artist now. In fact, I am not a teacher of primary or secondary school. But, I am an educator. I have taken some of the things that you taught me and I apply them everyday with my students. Sure, they aren't learning lines, or choreography, but you always made learning fun, and that is what I try to do with my students.
LJ, you have touched so many lives along the way. I feel blessed to have been one of your students and learned so many of life's important lessons from you.
Enjoy your retirement!! You deserve it!!

The day I realized I don't live in a socialist country.

Wow. I haven't blogged in a really long while. Looking back to my last one in MARCH, seems like so long ago. So much has happened since then. There has been so much that I have wanted to write about, but just haven't. As a long time blogger friend of mine has said before, I was "censoring". Things I wanted to say, but felt I couldn't because they were about people I used to be close to and knew read this. Things I am not ready yet to share with the world. So, why come back today. Well, just like any post, I feel like I need something to shake me before I will bother posting. Today was it. Today I realized I don't live in a socialist country.
I have always been proud of Saskatchewan. We are small, but we are mighty (see some of my previous posts). We are a community that is proud of each other and our accomplishments. But not today.
I work in health care. In Saskatchewan, it has always been very taboo to bring up two-tiered health care or a privatized system. No one wants to become like the US. A little of it was going on already. In Saskatchewan, though, we were trying to blend it a bit better, mix private and public (after all this IS the birthplace of healthcare). So, there is this private surgery clinic that started out private, and then decided as a way to help decrease wait times, and help the people of Saskatchewan, they would open their doors to the public sector. The clinic, including my husband, have worked very hard to make sure that this was a success, that patients, surgeons, nurses, and anesthesiologists were all happy. I think they did a pretty darn good job.
Then, without warning, the district and government have decided that having a clinic in Saskatchewan wasn't good enough. It was costing too much. So, they have decided to outsource the clinic and services to ALBERTA! Great. Take our nurses and surgeons and anesthesiologists and screw them right there. Nope sorry, you get nothing. It doesn't matter that you live HERE and pay taxes HERE. We are going to just let our cowboy neighbors to the west take it all, including incomes, and our tax money. Ridiculous! I can't help thinking that if a different party were in power this would never have happened!!
Two tiered health care does exist, and it seems to be going to the highest bidder! Boo, Alberta and your big unbuilt flashy clinic!!!!

crying in the night

I cried the other night. Yes, I had been reading a book and the main character's love had just died, but really, it was more than that. There I was sitting in bed, alone, reading this, when I started to cry. Not just a little. It was like I was mourning, and I think I was.

Sometimes my job is really hard. We see so much hardship, so much unfairness. But, for some reason we are just supposed to let it go and pretend it doesn't exist. I think that most of the time it has to be that way. If I thought about all the awfulness that exists in what I do, I don't think I could do what I do. Maybe that is why there is so much black humour in medicine. We make light of things so that we can carry on, so we can sleep at night.

Once in awhile, though, it catches up with you. The first time someone dies on your table, you never forget. The faces of the families haunt you. And, always the questions: did you do everything you could? Was there something more? And, what if it had been someone else doing the case, would the outcome be different?

So, the other night I cried. I cried for the first person to die on my table, and the many more after that. I cried for the babies born into this world with parents who are on drugs and can't care for them properly. I cried for the people whose diagnosis of cancer is confirmed in the OR. The women told they couldn't have children. And for the children and parents I have cared for both in the OR and ICU who have fought and lost. Most of all, though, I cried for their families.

I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe in a higher power who looks after us and cares for us. I believe that we all go to a better place, or a least get a second chance. So, it is the families that it is hard on. That is who misses them, who grieves.

And that night, I grieved with them.

City and Colour and Cyberfriends

I blog for my sanity. I blog for catharsis. To write down words that I might otherwise not be able to express to anyone else. I blog for me.

So, you might ask, Why blog, then? Why not just write everything down in a journal? If is just for me anyway, why do I care if anyone reads this? Well, on one hand, I don't care if anyone reads this. On the other hand, I think it is great that they do. I guess the reason is that I hope that I am not alone out there. That, somehow somewhere, there is someone out there experiencing the same things as I am. I feel like if I have the courage to write my experiences and feelings that that may strengthen someone else.

It works the other way, too. I had an anonymous person comment on one of my posts. They said that my words were exactly what they needed to hear that night, like an old friend. Hearing that made it all worth it. They also mentioned a band I had never heard - City and Colour. So, I thought I would check it out. And, I love it! I immediately downloaded a bunch of their music. I am, right now, listening to them as I write this.

Tonight, this blog goes out to all of those who read, and all of those who write. Not just on blogs, but other forms of Cyberspace. Keep posting and commenting on Facebook. Keep Tweeting your goings on. One post at a time we can stay connected, and make a change, even if it is just for one person, to help them get through a lonely night.

Happy Teach

If you read this blog, you probably know that I have a new job. No, I am still an Anesthesiologist. That hasn't changed. I have another job. I am the Undergraduate Education Coordinator for the Department of Anesthesiology in Regina. Sounds impressive, right. Not really. There are a lot of emails, and meetings, and emails about meetings. Sometimes, I feel really frustrated that nothing is changing. See, I can't make any changes on my own. As the University of Saskatchewan is our parent program, and we are just a satellite in the "Distributive Model of Learning", I must comply with what they want and see fit. I have a lot of ideas and passion, and a lot of the time I just feel like the program is stagnant. Everyone is busy, and stuff just takes TIME.

However, lately I have felt very fulfilled with my new position. I have been fortunate to have a really great bunch of students come through our program lately. Not all of them want to do Anesthesia. In fact, not a single one lately wants to do Anesthesia, but they are all interested. They can all see the value in what we do and how it can impact the rest of their careers, and patient care. They have been keen, interested, and generally fun to be around! So, that in itself has been rewarding.

But it is even better than that! First off, I have seen that some of what I am saying to the students is actually sinking in! They are LEARNING! I worked with a resident today and he remembered a lot of what we talked about the time before. That is really what this job is about - imparting knowledge.

Then, there is the fact that by being around students, it helps me to take a look at my own knowledge and my own practice. Why do I do the things I do? How can I have forgotten that much information in such a short time (it was only 3 years since my Royal College Exam!!). It is a great motivator to continue to learn when you fear that you might look like an idiot in front of a student. Teaching forces you to stay current and in the know.

Finally, there are the other perks. I have met students who, like me, are Celiacs and are constantly in search for great Gluten Free recipes. It has been great to bond with those people and swap stories and recipes (gotta love networking, however it happens ;) ). And, last but not least, I have been nominated for Teacher of the Year in Regina!!!!!! I love to teach, but was always worried I wasn't any good. You know, sometimes you just aren't into it. Just like sometimes they aren't into learning, I get it. So, to even have the priviledge of being nominated is so incredibly flattering. When I heard that, it just made my day! Heck, I could ride that wave for months!

More property?

We have had really good luck with property in the past. We bought our first house in Saskatoon for a ridiculously low price and managed to make $200,000 when we sold it. Then, we bought a condo in Regina for my hubby to live in, while I finished school, which we sold for an extra $140,000. Somewhere in there we bought a lakefront property for what was really reasonable at the time (although some people thought we overpaid, there was nothing cheaper that was usuable). And, we bought our house in White City that we now live in. So, right now we own 2 properties - our house and our cabin.

Our cabin, however, is a real piece of shit. No, really. The property itself is lovely and very usable, and so we use it a lot. But the house was built in the 1950s, and not very well. After 60 years, it is finally and totally falling apart. The biggest problem is that the roof has been leaking for years (we finally reshingled it) before we even got it. Now the roof is rotten, and probably the walls too. It is really gross actually. Not to mention the fact that it is too small to even house a regular sized bed.

We got a phone call from our neighbours at the lake today. They are selling their place. So, that gives us a new option. We could keep our house and build something on it eventually (which is our original plan, but my hubby has put off for 5 years already), or we could just buy their place, and then just landscape our lot. It would give us double the property size, and more privacy because of that.

They have put a lot of work into their house, and it looks great. It has lots of room, a big kitchen, and is winterized. Just what we want. We think we could put a big deck on the side of the house (big enough for a hot tub for sure!), a proper boat house on the other side of the house, and like I said landscape ours.

So, where is the problem? Well, we are so close to having EVERYTHING paid off (our big house, our newly landscaped yard, and our cabin at the lake), that my hubby really doesn't want to incur anymore debt. I can't say as I really blame him, but it would solve our dilemma of the cabin. We would have a winterized cabin, that wasn't rotting, that shouldn't need any work for a long time, that we could use for a long time (at least 15-20 years). I am also torn for another reason. If we just wait, and build our own place, we can build what we want. Not to mention, that having more property means more work. More grass to mow. More trees to water. Sure, we could put a huge deck on (that would help), and zeroscape some of it, but still. We are just not sure. Maybe we should go look at it? Maybe, they would give us a deal because we know them.

HHHHhhmmmmmmmm....... What to do?

I love you more than soup

"I love you." My husband says to me. "More than soup?" I reply. He snickers, "That depends. What kind of soup?"

This is a silly banter between my husband and myself that we often repeat. It doesn't mean anything to anyone, but us. I guess it stems from the fact that soup is comforting. It warms you up from the inside out, and fills you up. That, I guess, is what we mean by that. We love each other like that.

Nonetheless, as I said in my last post, sometimes a good bowl of soup is all you need (seems weird that my last couple of posts have been about soup). So, instead of just blogging about it, I thought I would actually give you the recipe.

Now, remember, I am all about quick. I love to cook, but I don't like labour intensive meals. Usually I have a lot of stuff going on, so at home I don't like to make meals that take any longer than 45 minutes or so. So, below is a very quick recipe for Mexican Black Bean Soup.

1 can Black Beans (do not drain)

1 cup salsa

2 cups (or more if you think it needs it) Chicken Stock

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp mustard

tabasco (a couple of drops is all you need)

Salt to taste

Put all this in a pot, bring to a boil. Then, just before serving, puree a little of the soup so it is creamy but still has some whole beans in it (this can be done right in the pot with a hand-held mixer). Top with grated cheese, if desired, and serve with toast.

MMMMmmmmm.... Spicy, warm, and hearty. He just might love this soup more.

Lentil Soup for the Soul

Sometimes something so simple can be so comforting. Soup is often like a warm hug, especially on a cold day. And, when you make a home-made healthy version that is even better. That was what I needed today after the news I got.

Back in November (see my previous posts), we wrote the Advanced Perioperative Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam. It is a North American Exam that Cardiologists, Ultrasonographers, and some Anesthesiologists write. It is a requirement to become certified in Perioperative TEE in the US. And, it is a requirement for our department to be able to continue to do Cardiac Anesthesia.

Well, I failed the exam.

Admittedly, I am NOT a Cardiologist, nor Ultrasonographer. I am not even an anesthesiologist who has done a cardiac fellowship. So, what the heck was I doing writing this exam? Well, as I said, it is a requirement by our department. No other department requires this, and it is useless anywhere else, but most departments require a fellowship to do Cardiac. As well, prior to this it was a different exam. There used to be just a Perioperative TEE exam. Now, there is a basic and advanced, and for some reason in their infinite wisdom, our department decided we needed the Advanced exam.

I have been preparing myself for this result. I studied and studied, but when I got to the exam, it all but blew me away. I was pretty sure at that point I had failed the exam. My hubby and a couple of others wrote it with me, and we all felt the same way - like we had just been sucker-punched in the belly.

Am I bothered by the outcome? Well, seeing as my hubby passed (which is no surprise, as he is brilliant), and I did not, a little bothered. I can write it again, but I am not sure I want to. I would miss some of the people who work in that room. I would miss the expertise of putting in all the lines. But, honestly, I would not miss the stress. The biggest stress comes not from the anesthetic (I can give a cardiac anesthetic, and get the patient off the table), but it is the TEE. I really have never felt that I had the skills, and was just playing at TEE.

So, what do I do. I made some home-made lentil soup, and congratulated my hubby. He did great. He really wanted this, and I am happy for him.

Do I continue on with cardiac and try again? I am not really sure. I don't know if I care that much to put all that effort in again (such a nice feeling that nothing was truly riding on this). I think I have enough different things on my plate (especially now with being the new Undergraduate Teaching Coordinator for Anesthesia).

For now, I will eat my steamy hearty bowl of lentil soup, and ponder. So warm, so comforting, and right now just what I need.

The man I love

My husband continues to surprise me. He sometimes comes off as rough and gruff, with an undertone of sarcasm. He loves to poke fun at people and make jokes. I love that he is so funny (he can always make me laugh, even in the middle of an argument), but he has other qualities that I love as well. One of these was exemplified the other night.

My hubby was outside snow-blowing the driveway, and noticed our neighbor working hard to clear her driveway with a shovel. He asked her if she wanted him to come and give her a hand and blow off her driveway as well (which is a lot where we live, as you could park 6 cars on our drive). She happily accepted. However, Jurgen noticed that she was still unhappy and there was other stuff going on. The details of what don't really matter.

Seeing how unhappy and defeated she was he came inside, and asked me if it was OK if we invited her for supper. Knowing that he never does this kind of thing, I immediately agreed (although we were only having meatloaf and was worried about that), without asking. I knew there had to be a good reason. He went out, and she graciously accepted.

In the end, he made someone's day. She had been having a horrible day with one thing going wrong after another. The snow on the driveway was just the ICE-ing on a ruined cake. So, by this simple neighborly gesture, he made her day. She was able to relax a bit knowing supper had been taken care of. Not to mention, that we got to know her a bit better than before.

That is him - my loving, caring, and of course, hilarious husband.

snow

Snow

Beautiful

sparkling white.

Icy cold

fluffy white.

Our noses red

we feel alive.

It falls down

all white and fluffy.

While inside we stay

nice and cozy.

Outside

your breath we see.

Playing in it

we feel so free.

How could anyone

not love something

so beautiful?